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Eleven Things Joe Mauer Won't Say On Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow night, Joe Mauer will be appearing on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon," promoting the video game for which he is this year's cover boy, "MLB 11 The Show." The last time I can recall a Twin appearing on a late-night talk show was when David Letterman had a Twin Cities-themed Late Show, and had Kirby Puckett on to read the top ten list, "The Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce Kirby Puckett."

I have my suspicions that Mauer's appearance on Fallon will not be that exciting, or that funny.

I have my suspicions that Mauer will be the same self-effacing, pleasantly bland interview that he's been pretty much continuously for the dozen or so years he's been famous in Minnesota.

I have my suspicions that he will not say any of the following eleven things...

1. "That slogan, 'Virginia Is For Lovers?' That's really only true when we play the Nationals and our team hotel is in Arlington."

2. "I think the thing I'm proudest of is that my cabin has the second-largest walk-in beer cooler in Minnesota. "

3. "The reason I didn't go to Florida State was because I didn't want to go to class. It wasn't until later that I found out that doesn't matter at Florida State."

4. "None of this would have happened if my grandpa had let me be in the glee club like I wanted."

5. "You know what I'm gonna do, right after this broadcast? I'm gonna get in my car, I'm gonna drive to Wisconsin, and I'm gonna beat the hell out of some punks from Fond du Lac."

6. "Your backstage people are mean. They were all like, 'No, Joe, you have to wear pants when you're on the air.' This place has more rules than a Detroit Lakes strip club."

7. "The best part about being a star: I don't have to do the out-of-state Winter Caravan trips anymore. South Dakota smells like a rotting deer carcass."

8. "What do you mean, I can't smoke in here? You said I couldn't smoke cigarettes. This ain't no cigarette, friend."

9. "That lady in the commercials with me, pretending to be my mom? I'd never met her before in my entire life."

10. "I don't know what's a bigger ruse - my 'just a nice boy from St. Paul' act, or Justin Morneau pretending he's from Canada."

11. "This is pretty exciting. If I do good tonight, who knows, they might let me be on a late-night show that somebody actually watches."