(Over the next four weeks, Twinkie Town's RandBall's Stu will take a look at the four teams trying to snatch the AL Central crown from your Minnesota Twins. They will be neither thorough nor terribly accurate, and probably contain at least one sentence that SB Nation's lawyers will have to defend in court on the grounds that accusations of booger-eating are protected speech. Really should have done what Dad said and gone to med school, barrister.)
Who: Cleveland Indians
Last Year's Record: terrible
Projected 2011 Record: also terrible
Key Additions: Chad Durbin, Nick Johnson, Orlando Cabrera, Adam Everett, Austin Kearns, Roger Dorn, Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn, Willie Mays Hayes, Pedro Cerrano
Key Departures: Aaron Laffey, Mike Redmond
Outlook: former Vegas showgirl Rachel Phelps has inherited the franchise from her late husband and wants to move them to Miami. She has instructed the GM to acquire a bunch of no-names and loose cannons to ensure a terrible record that will grease the skids for the move. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't bet against this ragtag bunch of misfits once they come together as a team under veteran minor league manager Lou Brown!
Other Items of Interest:
- Don't You Know Who I Am? Dept.: Austin Kearns, claim your prize.
- You read correctly, the Indians have acquired both Orlando Cabrera and Adam Everett. For now, Mike Lamb remains unsigned and Matt Macri is in the Rockies organization, but we will update you if anything changes.
Grady Sizemore still hasn't been cleared for baseball activities. No word on how this affects his candid bathroom photography.
- Carlos Santana has been, however. He is celebrating this by sliding like Nick Punto and scaring the hell out of the front office.
- Over/under on when the Fausto Carmona trade rumors start in earnest is May 10th.
- As Rob Neyer notes, they still have Shin-Soo Choo, so it ain't all bad.
- I didn't even mention that Ricky Vaughn was played by Charlie Sheen until right now. I feel I deserve some credit for that.