As a complement to my original 2011 Twins Statistical Overview, here's a new version, complete with updated (but no less depressing) stats:

Home runs
Justin Morneau: 1
Toby Gardenhire: 2

Triples
Minnesota Twins: 4
Jose Reyes: 6

Stolen bases
Minnesota Twins: 13
Michael Bourn: 13

Home runs
Curtis Granderson: 11
Last night's Twins starting lineup: 12

Intentional walks received
Minnesota Twins: 3
Billy Butler: 5

Drew Butera's OPS: .304
Rank in MLB if he were allowed to pretend his OPS were his batting average: 31st

Times hit by pitch
Minnesota Twins: 6
Carlos Quentin: 8
Serves him right: Yes

OPS
Juston Morneau: .561
Nick Punto: .593
2011 Minnesota Twins: .615
1899 Cleveland Spiders: .605
Nick Punto (career): .643

ERA
Minnesota Twins: 4.73
Bartolo Colon: 3.86

New York Yankees who would be leading the Twins in homers
Jorge Posada
Russell Martin
Mark Teixeira
Robinson Cano
Alex Rodriguez
Curtis Granderson
Brett Gardner

Brett Gardner? Really?
Yes

RBI
Michael Cuddyer: 4
Nick Punto: 6

WAR
Jose Bautista: 2.9
Minnesota Twins: 0.9
Denard Span: 1.6

OPS
Lefties facing Dusty Hughes: 1.035
Albert Pujols (career): 1.043
Dusty Hughes' role: Lefty specialist

Jose Bautista's slugging percentage: .773
Twins with an OPS over .773: 2 (Jason Kubel, Trevor Plouffe)

WHIP
Francisco Liriano: 1.561
Philip Humber: 0.941

Statistical categories in which the Twins rank last in the AL
Runs
Hits
Home runs
Walks (batting)
On-base percentage
Slugging percentage
OPS
Total Bases
Runs allowed
Strikeouts (pitching)

Statistical categories in which the Twins rank first in the AL
Players named "Rene"