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A Comprehensive List of All the Injured Twins, With Jokes (Print and Save)

The list of wounded Twins, which was already at an absurd level, grew again on Thursday night, as Denard Span was finally added to the new 7-day DL for concussions. He was diagnosed with a mild concussion and whiplash (whiplash!) brought on by last Friday's home plate collision in Kansas City. While their list of ailments has yet to reach Bob Ducca-like levels, it's an impressive one nonetheless. What follows is the most updated list of all the Twins on the DL, their injuries, their timeline for returning, and any jokes I can come up with about them. Use the print function on your web browser so you can have your own copy for reference as we head into the weekend.

  • Span. 7-day DL, I assume retroactive to Tuesday, as he played in Monday's game. French Resistance fighter Rene Tosoni was called up from Rochester to take his place, leaving Trevor Plouffe as the only non-pitcher on the Red Wings roster.
  • Joe Mauer. 60-day DL, bilateral leg weakness, sore shoulder, dropsy, croup, etc. Eligible to come off the DL on Sunday, and Paul Molitor is quoted by 1500ESPN's Tom Pelissero as saying he could be back as soon as Tuesday. Gardy sounds a little more cautious and wants Mauer to catch a few games at Rochester before coming back.
  • Jason Kubel. 15-day DL, sprained left foot, patchy beard syndrome. Eligible to come back on Wednesday. Took some swings, played catch and did agility drills yesterday per Joe C.
  • Jim Thome. 15-day DL, sore quadriceps, hysterical blindness. John Shipley of the Pioneer Press reports that the soreness was brought on by a previous back injury, and he's getting an epidural today. This doesn't sound like something that will be a over and done with anytime soon, does it?
  • Tsuyoshi Nishioka. 60-day DL, broke-ass leg. As with Mauer, Nishioka is playing in Fort Myers through the weekend, and the Twins will evaluate both their situations after that. Again, it sounds like Gardy would prefer Nishioka put some time in at Rochester before coming back. Given how much the Twins have ravaged the Red Wings' roster, they probably owe it to them for ticket sales alone.
  • Glen Perkins. 15-day DL, strained quad, vestigial doghouse trauma. Pitching an inning for Rochester on Saturday. Since he's already eligible to come back, one would assume if that goes well he'll be back tout de suite.
  • Joe Nathan. 15-day DL, right flexor muscle, sparkly vampirism. Pitching in the bullpen up here, will head to a rehab assignment this weekend if all continues to go well.
  • Kevin Slowey. 15-day DL, abdominal strain, ineffable sorrow, alienated from a system that just doesn't get him, man. He played catch, I guess.

I think that's it, isn't it? Please let me know if I missed anyone.