2011 Twins Statistical Overview Episode III: Revenge of the Spiders

So, the Twins apparently realized that I was starting on a new Statistical Overview post, as they immediately went on a five-game rampage and torpedoed some of my stats (including a treasured 1899 Cleveland Spiders comparison). However, I remain undeterred, because make no mistake - this team has still been plenty bad. On with the stats...

Slugging percentage
Justin Morneau: .345
Nick Punto: .385
Toby Gardenhire: .383

Home runs
Twins: 35
Mark Teixeira and Curtis Granderson, combined: 35
Twins' current active roster: 22
Jose Bautista: 20

Yankees who would be leading the Twins in home runs
Curtis Granderson
Mark Teixeira
Robinson Cano
Russell Martin
Alex Rodriguez

Hey, at least Brett Gardner didn't make the list this time: Shut up

Twins pitchers: .333/.333/.500
Twins position players: .243/.303/.349
Twins' current active roster: .239/.296/.344
1962 New York Mets: .240/.318/.361
Nick Punto: .262/.355/.385

Twins' current active roster: 12
Carlos Quentin: 13
Should I reuse the "Serves him right" line: Yes

Batting Average
Drew Butera: .150
Johan Santana (career): .174

Alexi Casilla (2011): 9
Ben Zobrist (April 28th): 10

Total Bases
Rene Rivera (2011): 15
Ben Zobrist (April 28th): 16

Pitching wins
Kevin Correia: 8
Any two Twins pitchers, combined: 8 (max)

Save percentage
Matt Capps: 66%
Jon Rauch: 75%

Glen Perkins: 1.59
Dusty Hughes: 9.95

Winning percentage
Glen Perkins: .000
Dusty Hughes: 1.000

Judging pitchers by win/loss record: Stupid

2011 Minnesota Twins: 81
Yuniesky Betancourt (career): 82

2011 Minnesota Twins: .652
Denny Hocking (career): .653