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It's Trade Deadline Week!

Well, sort of. It's non-waiver trade deadline week. If you want a guy that anybody else in the league might want, you have to trade for him this week; otherwise you're stuck trying to pick up Bobby Keppel-level bullpen talent off the wire.

Frankly, I'm excited for this week. In fact, I'm already trying to write the headlines and subheadlines for the seven days between now and the trade deadline. Here's what I've got so far:

Twins Trade For Koji Uehara
2012 resurgence set for whoever it is they give up

Relief Pitching Gets Mildly Better
Offense still terrible, starting pitching still inconsistent

Kevin Slowey Traded For Bag of Baseballs
Slowey: "No problem, I'm busy reading David Foster Wallace anyway."

Bill Smith: "Getting Denard Span back is just like making a trade"
Fans: "Don't spit on our head and tell us it's raining"

Ben Revere Sent Back To Minors
Falls over twice on trip

Twins Decide To Carry Fifteen Pitchers
Three are better hitters than Tsuyoshi Nishioka anyway

Is Danny Valencia On The Trading Block?
Unsettled by rumors, Valencia gets a hit in a non-clutch situation

Is Matt Tolbert On The Trading Block?

Fans Create Proposed Trades For General Manager
General manager still stuck outside gates of Happy Imaginary Magic Unicorn Land

Michael Cuddyer Not Going Anywhere
Team discusses 40-year contract extension, just in case