Many Twins fans, frustrated at both a season gone wrong and their team's continued playoff failures at the hands of the New York Yankees, will no doubt be tempted to lustily boo the visiting team this weekend. Some of the Yankees, though, are more deserving of your ire and invective than others. Below is a guide to how you, the fan, should act when this player is introduced or comes to the plate.
#2 / Short Stop / New York Yankees
Jun 26, 1974
Bad enough at defense now to play SS for the Twins (Nishioka ZING!), Jeter is a troublesome case for you, the prospective jeer-er. On one hand, the Jeter worship from the New York and national media is hardly his fault, but on the other hand, you probably aren't going to be able to boo Mike Lupica in person unless you run into him buying sweaters "for a nephew" at the Rosedale Gymboree. VERDICT: yes, you may boo Jeter, but try to follow it up with a "but this is more meant for the media's slavish deification of you than anything you've done" caveat. He'll appreciate the distinction.
#13 / Third Base / New York Yankees
Jul 27, 1975
He's expected to play at some point during the series. Obviously, the extent to which you care about the steroids issue will dictate how loudly you boo him and what names you will call him, and I leave that to your own level of righteous indignation. For those who don't plan to boo him, I understand, but would ask that you look at this picture first and reconsider your quietude. VERDICT: boo with great conviction; ask him if the mirror is aging better than Cameron Diaz.
#14 / Center Field / New York Yankees
Mar 16, 1981
An MVP candidate. Has had the Twins' number for years. (Did you know, during Game 163, that he was on base the entire game?) Is referred to as "The Grandy Man" by Yankees' broadcast shill John Sterling. The last reason is the only real reason to give him any heat, but it's enough. VERDICT: boo, but with just the right amount of self-disgust because you'd kill for him to play for the Twins.
#52 / Pitcher / New York Yankees
Jul 21, 1980
Surly. Never wears his hat right. Hates when people bunt on him because then that pudgy dingus might actually have to break a goddamn sweat. Baggiest uniform in baseball. Fantastic, durable pitcher. VERDICT: oh, yes, boo. [REDACTED] that guy.
#42 / Pitcher / New York Yankees
Nov 29, 1969
Greatest closer of all time. Vulnerable (maybe) to the inevitability of age, professional hitters w/beards. VERDICT: don't boo. He's awesome. You will never see another one like him.
#47 / Pitcher / New York Yankees
Jan 12, 1987
He has a cool name, but might be a stealth Russkie. Rocky Balboa didn't hand Drago his ass just for a paycheck, comrade. He did it for AMERICA. VERDICT: boo, but only if you remember the Cold War.
#25 / First Base / New York Yankees
Apr 11, 1980
Is there a more bland superstar in baseball? I don't think so. I just forgot who I was writing about. Chris Chambliss? Hey, I had his baseball card! (FACT: If the "X" in Teixeira was pronounced as "ecks," people would like him more.) VERDICT: you can boo, I guess, but if you need to go to the rest room or grab a bite to eat, do that instead. He'll either fly out or hit a double, probably.
#34 / Pitcher / New York Yankees
Jan 03, 1977
Handsomely compensated starting pitcher who everyone in New York wants to run out of town. VERDICT: go ahead and boo, but use it to gauge your anti-Bombers fervor. There will probably be a Yankees fan or two in your section. They hate Burnett more than you do, and will no doubt make this known loudly and indelicately. Can you match this fan in volume and vulgarity? If you make nearby parents with kids complain to the usher, you've done your job.