In the interest of becoming a super-awesome worldwide superstar, Twins shortstop Tsuyoshi Nishioka is planning to launch his very own TV series, tentatively titled "Tsuyoshi Against The World." In it, the diminutive middle infielder takes on people from all walks of life at their own game, and tries to prove that he's good at anything and everything. Below, a look at a few planned episodes.
EPISODE ONE: Tsuyoshi Against The Fly Fisherman
(SCENE: a river. It is mid-afternoon. Our hero stands on the bank next to longtime fly fisherman Bob Johnson, who looks as relaxed as any 62-year-old man with indigestion can look.)
JOHNSON: You ever been fly fishing there, kid?
NISHIOKA: I have never been fly fishing, but I am looking forward to being the best.
JOHNSON: (chuckles) Well, we'll see.
(THEY WADE INTO THE RIVER. NISHIOKA IS TOO SHORT AND THE WATER IMMEDIATELY GOES OVER HIS HEAD.)
JOHNSON: Say, pardner, you all right there?
NISHIOKA: (unintelligble)
JOHNSON: Guess you don't need a translator for 'glug glug.' (JOHNSON HAS A HEARTY LAUGH, AND WE CUT TO COMMERCIAL.)
EPISODE TWO: Tsuyoshi Against The Piano Movers
(SCENE: A narrow stairway. An upright piano is perched precariously on a landing halfway down the steps. Our hero stands at the bottom of the stairs with movers Earl and Larry.)
EARL: All right, what we got here is what me and Larry like to call a "New Jersey Prom Date." Might be easy, might not, but either way you're just happy to be in one piece at the end.
NISHIOKA: I am excited to prove that I can be the best at this task.
LARRY: You sure about this? (Looks at producer) I don't know if it's a good idea to let this young guy try this on his own. Job like this takes at least two, maybe three... oh look, there he goes.
(NISHIOKA ATTEMPTS TO LIFT THE PIANO, BUT DOES NOT LIFT WITH HIS LEGS. HIS BACK EXPLODES INTO EIGHT PARTS AND HIS PANTS FALL DOWN)
EARL: Well, that's the New Jersey Prom Date for you. (HE AND LARRY SHARE A HEARTY LAUGH, AND WE CUT TO COMMERCIAL)
EPISODE THREE: Tsuyoshi Against The Ground Ball
(SCENE: A baseball diamond at dusk. Nishioka plays shortstop.)
NISHIOKA: Finally! Something I'm good at!
(THERE IS A GROUND BALL EIGHTEEN INCHES TO NISHIOKA'S RIGHT. HE ATTEMPTS TO FIELD IT, BUT IT CAROMS OFF HIS BODY AND ON INTO LEFT FIELD. HE COMPOUNDS THE ERROR BY RETRIEVING THE BALL AND THROWING IT TO THE WRONG BASE.)
GARDENHIRE: (Throws hat in disgust)
PRODUCER: Say the line!
GARDENHIRE: What line?
PRODUCER: We need a funny line to cut to commercial. Just say the line we wrote for you and we'll edit this part out.
GARDENHIRE: You want a line? Here's a line. Did you hear the one about the shortstop with NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHATSOEVER? HOW ABOUT I JAM THAT CAMERA (WE CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABRUPTLY)
EPISODE FOUR: Tsuyoshi Against The Marksmen At The Pistol Range
(EVERYONE DIES.)
(CUT TO COMMERCIAL.)