Dear potential disabled list candidates (ha ha! Just some training-staff humor there),
In the interest of getting everyone in our organization "on the same page," we'd like to make sure you're all aware of the medical staff's treatment plans for some of our players. We know we haven't looked good this year, and we've had guys like J.J. Hardy throwing us under the bus for not being able to heal them, so we want to be more transparent about what we're doing to get guys back in the lineup.
First off, there's Scott Baker, who's dealing with some right elbow soreness. He's clearly faking it, so we've had him out baling hay for this farmer we know for two weeks. He'll throw off a mound again when he learns not to complain.
Michael Cuddyer is dealing with a sore left wrist. We're using the same treatment plan on him that we used on Hardy, which is a little thing that we like to call the "Iron Mallet Of Healing". Cuddyer's getting twenty "treatments" a day. I guarantee he'll be chomping at the bit to get back in the lineup any day now.
Kyle Gibson had surgery the other week, which expressly went against our medical opinion, which is that sometimes things just go away if you don't think about them too hard. We didn't think about it at all, but the so-called "doctors" thought they'd better fix that elbow. Unfortunately we can't go back in time and recommend more rest and less thinking, so we'll go with the next best thing: leaking stories to the media about how he's not working hard enough on his rehab. It's this kind of tough love that got Francisco Liriano back to his peak after surgery.
Both Denard Span and Justin Morneau are having headache and/or concussion issues. We think the way forward is clear: trepanning. It'll get those evil spirits, or whatever they're whining about, out of their heads. Unfortunately both guys are ignoring this treatment plan and saying stuff like "I don't want a hole drilled in my head." Well, if it was good enough for Hippocrates, it's good enough for this training staff!
Then we've got Ben Revere, who has the flu. We're planning to eat Greek food in his room and make retching sounds, because it's funny when somebody else is sick because you can totally screw with them.
Alexi Casilla is on the DL with a hamstring strain. We'd like to make it known that no one on our training staff has ever heard of this so-called "hamstring," and we're pretty sure that he went to one of those voodoo doctors for that diagnosis.
And finally, Tsuyoshi Nishioka is still dealing with a strained oblique muscle. Don't worry, though, because we're all over this one. McWane just got a new supply of leeches. We'll have that guy cured in no time.
I hope this clears up any misconceptions you might have had. Please contact us with any questions you might have. If you have health concerns of your own, please don't hesitate to bring them directly to us. We'd be happy to assist, or as we always say, "If we can't make it worse, then you must be faking it!"
The Twins Training Staff