(Editor's Note: I did this, or something similar, four years ago. I have endeavored to not repeat jokes and wherever possible make no sense at all.)
Joe Mauer: You have conducted an over-elaborate funeral for a hamster.
Justin Morneau: You have been asked to leave a buffet restaurant.
Matt Tolbert: You have gone into debt to buy pull tabs.
Scott Diamond: You have been thrown out of a peewee hockey game.
Luke Hughes: You have been in a fight over a make or model of car.
Michael Cuddyer: You have been in a fight over a make or model of pickup truck.
Jason Kubel: You have been in a fight over a make or model of combine.
Alexi Casilla: You own three or more beard trimmers.
Kevin Slowey: You have been proud of not owning a television.
Scott Baker: You have thrown a promise ring down a well.
Drew Butera: You have seen Journey in concert more than twice.
Rene Rivera: You own more engines than cars.
Nick Blackburn: You own more cars than engines.
Jim Hoey: You have been trapped in a vending machine.
Anthony Slama: You have spilled diet soda on at least two computer keyboards.
Trevor Plouffe: You have stolen a stuffed animal from a carnival game.
Glen Perkins: You own multiple collared shirts with logos of cigarette companies.
Joe Nathan: You have gone to the emergency room because of a burning marshmallow.
Jason Repko: You have switched credit-card companies for a free T-shirt.
Chris Parmelee: You have given a J.R.R. Tolkien novel as a birthday present.
Joe Benson: You have used a bolt cutter to permanently remove the seats from a minivan.
Alex Burnett: You have used an empty liquor bottle as decoration.
Phil Dumatrait: You are on a first-name basis with Motel 6 front-desk clerks in three or more cities.
Liam Hendriks: You have aimed a shotgun at a spider.
Tsuyoshi Nishioka: You have drawn your own comic book.
Matt Capps: You have traded an appliance for a dog.
Brian Duensing: You have celebrated your birthday at an arcade.
Danny Valencia: You have grown a mustache for the purpose of humor.
Kyle Waldrop: You have been handcuffed while not wearing a shirt.
Deolis Guerra: You call at least one of your friends by their message-board handle instead of their real name.
Ben Revere: You have written a text message while riding a dirt bike.
Brian Dinkelman: You have gotten an autograph from a high-school athlete.
Denard Span: You have thrown a football at a state trooper.
Francisco Liriano: You have been invited to the launch of a new brand of vodka.
Jose Mijares: You have thought about opening a bakery.
Carl Pavano: You have worn cutoff jeans to a wedding.