(AUTHOR'S NOTE: the real Drew Butera is a light-hitting, defensive-minded backup catcher for the Minnesota Twins, who often catches on the days that Carl Pavano pitches. Twinkie Town's "Sweet" Drew Butera has the same skill set and backstory, but is also uncomfortably obsessed with fire and explosions. We have asked the latter to fill us in on some of the movies that are in the running for the Academy Awards, since there remains [redacted]-all going on in Twins Territory. We thank him for his time.)
Hey, guys, it's me, Drew Butera. The folks at Twinkie Town asked me if I would preview this year's Oscar contenders since things are pretty slow on the Twins news front. At first I declined, but I talked to Carl at our Winter Fireworks Party, and he said, "C'mon, Sweet Drew, step out of your comfort zone a little. And why does everything smell like kerosene?" So I did!
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo: I really like how David Fincher movies look, be it this, or Social Network, or Se7en. That said, this is two-and-a-half hours long, and there aren't a lot of explosions or fire. I guess there is a sequel in the works called The Girl Who Played with Fire. Can't wait for that one.
The Artist: a silent movie in black-and-white. No fires. Even if there were fires, you wouldn't be able to hear the crackling of things burning in the fire, or see the beautiful oranges, reds and even blues as the flames lick the sky. What is it that those fellows on TV say? Two thumbs down? Definitely two thumbs down.
Bridesmaids: I laughed at this one a lot. Again, though: a serious lack of anything resembling fire. Why don't they make movies like Firestarter anymore? The title just lets you know that there are going to be fires started, and it delivers and then some, brother. Melissa McCarthy is funny, though.
The Descendents: this one is set in Hawaii. You know what I like about Hawaii movies? Volcanos and luaus. You what The Descendents didn't have enough of? Volcanos and luaus. Ripoff.
J. Edgar: a historical drama about J. Edgar Hoover's decades-long tenure as the director of the FBI. You know what happened a lot over those many years? Explosions. You know what they don't cover in this movie? That's right. Now, Backdraft? There's a movie with A LOT of explosions and fire. They should make more movies like Backdraft.
The Help: a thoughtful exploration of race and class in the American South. I really enjoyed this movie. Would have enjoyed it more if they had some bottle rockets or roman candles. I don't know if those were readily available in that day and time, but historical accuracy isn't the be-all, end-all, you know.
Firestorm: OH MY GOSH IS THIS A GREAT MOVIE! I guess it came out in 1998, but I just saw it for the first time last year. It's got Howie Long and he's a smokejumper trying to catch some escaped convicts and arsonists IN A FOREST FIRE! THAT'S THE WHOLE MOVIE! It wins the Drew Butera Academy Award for Being an Awesome Movie.
Thanks for reading this, guys. See you at spring training!