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Our New Year's Resolutions

We have to believe that Jason Marquis can grow some seriously stupid-looking facial hair.
We have to believe that Jason Marquis can grow some seriously stupid-looking facial hair.

It's been a long 2011 for Twins fans - the losses! The injuries! Accidentally re-signing Matt Capps! - and so it feels good to throw out the 2011 calendar and tack up the calendar for 2012. It's irresistibly tempting, too, to make some resolutions for how things will be different this year. Below, a few Twinkie Town resolutions for this year; let's make it better than 2011.

  • We will continue to support, in whatever manner possible, any efforts by any person connected to the Twins franchise to grow stupid-looking facial hair.
  • We will not mock any player that has a head injury, as we are afraid that if we do, Corey Koskie will sneak up behind us and righteously brain us with a hockey stick.
  • We will continue to forget that Alexi Casilla is still employed by the Twins.
  • We will still make jokes about Delmon Young's Carnival Of Incompetent Left Fielding.
  • We will use every avenue available to us, including organizing a public protest, in the hopes that one day Drew Butera will catch for Jason Marquis, and the Twins will use the designated hitter for Butera (career .481 OPS) instead of Marquis (career .499 OPS). (NOTE: Yes, we know that the DH rule doesn't work like this. But still.)
  • We resolve to write a joke about the following fact from Marquis' Wikipedia article: "His bar mitzvah had a baseball theme."
  • Baseball may be ruled by labor peace and growing revenues, but we will still make fun of Bud Selig at every opportunity, partially for appearing in photographs to wear the pained and betrayed expression of a man whose pants are too tight.
  • We resolve to continue to poke fun at Joe Mauer for being too perfect, instead of making fun of him for having the temerity to be hurt and ineffective like a normal human being.
  • We resolve to think of some Luke Hughes jokes that don't involve Crocodile Dundee, Foster's Beer, Outback Steakhouse, shrimps, barbies, or really any of the reasonably idiotic Aussie stereotypes in public circulation. (Or perhaps we'll just call him Bruce.)
  • We resolve not to let let Trevor Plouffe's burgeoning nerdery distract us from his sob-inducing failures at shortstop. Further, we resolve to call in a bomb threat if Plouffe starts at shortstop at any time during 2012.
  • And finally: we resolve to keep making Kevin Slowey jokes, even though he's gone. We're gonna miss that sesquipedalian goofball.