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Delmon Young Thanks Secretive Cabal of Bankers and Financiers for Allowing Him to Win the ALCS MVP

Delmon Young's late-season surge culminated in a dominating performance in the American League Championship Series. He claims he couldn't have done it without the wealthy, powerful men who control the entire world.

"It's a tremendous honor that I'm being allowed to receive."
"It's a tremendous honor that I'm being allowed to receive."
Jonathan Daniel

ALCS MVP Delmon Young thanked a lot of people that helped him power the Tigers to an impressive 4-game sweep of the Yankees, but singled out one group in particular: a "shifty, international cabal of bankers and financiers that runs the world, which is cool."

Young, who had the game-winning RBI in each game of the series, went out of his way to praise what he termed "the coalition of impossibly rich moneylenders who answer to no one and control all world events" for naming him the Most Valuable Player and allowing his team to advance to the World Series.

"You never know when you're going to get these opportunities, since the guys who provide them are fickle and unknowable," said a celebratory Young. "You'd think with all the time it takes to control all the world's banks and oil prices that a simple game would escape their notice. But like Steve Carlton told me, nothing ever does. Nothing."

Earlier this season, Young was allegedly involved in an incident in New York City where he was accused of drunkenly hurling anti-Semitic slurs in a Manhattan hotel. Although he claims he's legally forbidden from discussing the matter, he acknowledges that things have changed in his life since then.

"I got into a little trouble back in New York that I can't really talk about," Young said. "But I've done a lot of reading and soul-searching the last few months, and I'm actually thankful that an unelected conspiracy of moneyed elites is letting me succeed at the game I love, rather than crushing me like they so easily could, thanks to their unfathomable and unchecked power and influence."

Young says with the ALCS in their rear view mirror, he and the rest of his teammates are focused on the task at hand: hoping the powers that be allow them to win the World Series.

"It would be a hell of an honor to be allowed to bring a title back to Detroit," said the slugger. "Personal honors are great, and I know if they say Justin can win the Cy Young and convince the ones who run Hollywood to swing the MVP to Miggy (Cabrera) instead of the hometown kid (the Los Angeles Angels' Mike Trout), that would be awesome. But our ultimate goal is the same as it was the first day of Spring Training: just hoping that an ancient order of powerful, wealthy and deceitful men lets us win a championship. It would be amazing."