clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Transcript: Gardy Calls Torii

New, 14 comments

It does not go well.

Stephen Dunn

Phone Rings

Torii Hunter: My man Gardy! I haven't heard from you in a long time. What's up!

Ron Gardenhire: Hey, Torii. How are ya?

Torii: You know me. Lovin' life!

Gardy: Yep. Good to hear.

Torii: Hey, you get LeCroy's invitation to his ice fishing party for January?

Gardy: Yep. I tell ya. Matty's got a ice fishin' hut that puts my summer cabin to shame.

Torii: Seriously?

Gardy: Moose heads on the walls. Billiards table. The thing is actually on treads, he just drives it onto the ice. Don't need no truck.

Torii: Damn.

Gardy: ...

Torii: ...

Gardy: So. The Tigers, huh?

Torii: Gardy, don't.

Gardy: Hey, I ain't mad. Congratulations. You deserve it.

Torii: Thanks.

Gardy: I just thought you might wanna...

Torii: Stop!

Gardy: ...finish your career where you started.

Torii: Gardy, I'm 37. I want to win a World Series.

Gardy: Hammertime.

Torii: ...what?

Gardy: You said "Stop", so I said...

Torii: Yeah, I get it. Listen, coming back to Minnesota...

Gardy: Collaborate and listen.

Torii: Seriously? Gardy! You need to quit! Those songs haven't been not embarrassing since before I was drafted. That was a long time ago. Know what I mean?

Gardy: No.

Torii: It means I've been in this game a long time. I love it. I thank God everyday that I can still play this game at a level where people still want me to play for them. I've been an All-Star. I've been a Gold Glove winner. And I realize that my days are numbered. I want to do everything I can to win a championship.

Gardy: Hey, y'know, I get it. But we're turning things around here...

Torii: Really? With four empty rotation spots, 76 guys recovering from Tommy John surgery, and four legitimate hitters with your really good prospects two or three years away? Don't play that game, Gardy. I can't wait that long, I don't have that kinda time.

Gardy: But we talked about getting the band back together...

Torii: That was a drunk text conversation from seven months ago!

Gardy: Dougie said...

Torii: Dougie? Dougie hasn't played baseball in three years, coach. Four by next spring. Rivas, Koskie, those guys have been out for years. Guzie ain't comin' back, Radke will be lucky to play catch with his grand kids, LeCroy spends all summer in his tank of an ice fishing shack. Jacque spends his time helping out in soup kitchens, rescuing puppies, directing traffic through intersections, and talking to fans on Twitter.

Gardy: But the band...

Torii: There's no band!

Gardy: ...

Torii: Gardy, you know I'll always be grateful for what the organization has done for me. And you know I'll always love you, but...

Gardy: ...but you're not IN love with me anymore. *sniff*

Torii: C'mon, Gardy. There's no crying in baseball.

Gardy: *sniff* Tom Hanks. *sniff*

Torii: That's right, buddy. Tom Hanks.

Gardy: ...

Torii: Listen, I gotta run. Lots of packing to do, gotta change the addresses on all of my magazines...

Gardy: ...okay.

Torii: We're still cool right?

Gardy: *sniff* We're still cool.

Torii: Ha. Still sounds messed up when you say stuff like that. Keep smilin' Gardy!

Gardy: I WILL ALWAYS LO...

*click*

Gardy: (Whispering) I will always love you, Torii Hunter.