Twins Target Free Agents, Trading Partners with Delicious Venison

With the Winter Meetings looming and the team in dire need of upgrading their rotation, the Minnesota Twins have settled on a unique way to help sway free agents and potential trade partners: the gift of meat.

The team announced Wednesday that they were packaging dried and smoked venison to bring to baseball's annual offseason conclave, which is being held in Nashville from December 3^rd through December 6^th.

(It is not known at this time if meat was exchanged as part of yesterday's Denard Span/Alex Meyer trade, but an MLB source with knowledge of the situation says that the Twins were "getting low-balled" on all trade offers for Span until the club made clear that they were willing to move venison jerky as part of any deal.)

"We know we're not going to compete with the Yankees and Red Sox of the world as far as the money we can put up, so we have to spend smarter and add value where we can," said Twins General Manager Terry Ryan. "And if you want to convince a potential free agent or another club to strike a deal, who's going to say no to some of Glen Perkins' homemade venison jerky? Probably no one."

The Twins closer and outdoors enthusiast is thrilled that his dried game products, or "Perkins Jerkins," as he has labelled them, are an integral part of the team's attempt to improve their chances to compete in the competitive AL Central.

"Every guy in this clubhouse is sick to death of losing, and we need to do everything we can to win in 2013. I'm just happy to do my part. If some of my handcrafted Perkins Jerkins help us get th--wait, why are you laughing? What's funny about Perkins J--oh. Oh no. Oh goddammit."