Minneapolis, Hello! The Larry King Christmas Column

For those Twins fans who are still looking for a starting pitcher, I've got two words: Carl Pavano. There's a man who's got the broad shoulders and the solid facial hair to really carry a starting staff... I once visited Minneapolis at Christmastime. It was gorgeous and warm, nothing like everybody said, including my wife, who said, "Larry, this is Hawaii, we're not in Minnesota"... I'll tell you, you Minnesotans can really roast a pineapple...

Mark my words, this is the year that the feather boa makes a comeback to mainstream American fashion... If you see me at the steam baths, leave me be... The Twins need to inject a little youth into the lineup, and Nick Punto would be a perfect fit... I'm going to be honest with you: I thought Piers Morgan was that delightful British fellow on that House doctor show, not this ridiculous, intemperate twit...

You have no idea how difficult it is to find suspenders that will fit a cat... I had dinner with Ron Davis the other day. I told him I'd send along his regards, but he said that was not fine with him, and that he'd see you all in - well, he still wasn't too happy... At the end of the night, he went to throw his napkin lightly on the table, but Jamie Quirk hit it out of the park...

2012's Dessert of the Year, in an upset, is eggnog poured over mashed potatoes... The day I found out that there was no meat in mincemeat pies, my whole world changed... I don't know if the Twins have considered this, but I think Joe Mauer could be good at catcher - good arm, athletic, smart... I don't think the team will be looking for a new manager anytime soon, but if they do, I have to believe that Harrisburg Senators manager Matthew LeCroy will be in the running... That's a guy who can flat-out lead a ballclub, not to mention make an Old Country Buffet manager weep bitter tears of regret...

The best steak I ever had was in Philadelphia, so kudos to Ben Revere. Head for the Applebee's at the airport, Ben, and tell them Larry sent you... Insider alert: some within the Twins organization are saying that Miguel Sano could be in the big leagues within four or five years... Sounds like they're going to have the World Baseball Classic again this year, but I gotta tell you, with the team the Blue Jays are assembling, they might just want to cancel the whole thing... I'm being told that's not how the World Baseball Classic works...

I miss "McMillan & Wife." That Susan Saint James, boy, she was something - I think I might have been married to her for awhile... One time, I was at a Rays game, just enjoying the day and the ballgame, and a lady came up to me and said, "George Burns! I thought you were dead!" I've never hit a lady, but boy, I sure came close that day... This is the year that the hidden-ball trick becomes mainstream again, you mark my words... Don't know why baseball players refuse to use these aluminum bats, they seem pretty good to me... Don't look now, but I think "Vance Worley" is a made-up name...

And finally: Merry Christmas, everybody... be good to yourselves and your families... and remember: Santa's on a low-carb diet this year. Don't put out cookies and tempt the poor guy. Beef jerky, that's the ticket.