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A Helpful Guide To Your New Favorite Twins

If Gardy's not already calling Ryan Doumit "Redbeard," then I'm not the judge of character I thought I was.
If Gardy's not already calling Ryan Doumit "Redbeard," then I'm not the judge of character I thought I was.

Last fall, we went deep into the fan's psyche to discover what your favorite Twin says about you. Unfortunately, some of those players have since left town; those of you who loved Matt Tolbert (and have gone into debt to buy pull tabs) are in the market for a new favorite player.

Well, we here at Twinkie Town consider our site to be one of the premier educational resources available today, right up there with a World Book encyclopedia from 1984 and your uncle Chuck who did two semesters at Iowa State before he got caught selling stolen cigarettes out of the back of his Pinto and was expelled. And so we've studied each of the newest Twins to try to find out what kind of person might like him. Below, a handy guide.

You might like Josh Willingham if...

You have done a high school speech about the history of a rifle.
You have drawn up a plan to steal an ice cream truck.
You have named a dog after a previous dog you owned.
You have gone to the site of a sporting event without the intention of watching any of the event itself.

You might like Ryan Doumit if...

You have left your front door unlocked for more than a year at a time.
You have gone to a baseball game to watch and ended up serving as home-plate umpire.
You have had to decide whether to call your team's manager "Coach" or "Dad."
You have driven more than two hours to go shopping.

You might like Jason Marquis if...

You have been in a argument over a pizza vendor that escalated into a fistfight.
You have used the name "Bella Abzug" in a metaphor.
You have complained about Uptown being south of Downtown Minneapolis.
You have subscribed to a newspaper from a city you do not live in.

You might like Jamey Carroll if...

You have tried to cure a hangover with a sauna.
You have done a bicep curl while smoking a cigarette.
You have watched a football game on a black-and-white television.
You have called into a talk-radio show to argue with a sportswriter.

(Editor's note: the three spots at the back end of the Twins' bullpen are in a state of flux. These spots could be filled by players that are known to fans like Kyle Waldrop, or guys signed over the winter that nobody anywhere has ever heard of before last December, like Terry Doyle. As such, the next paragraph is written for any of these players. To represent them all, we'll use the king of the fifth-inning relievers, Mr. Palmball himself, Tony Fiore.)

You might like Tony Fiore if...

You get a frisson of excitement from the phrase "optioned to Triple-A."
Without cheating, you can identify whether this picture is of Scott or Willie Eyre.
You like having a favorite player so unpopular that there's a reasonable chance he would accept your invitation to dinner on an off day because he has nothing better to do.
You have attempted to get #tonyfiore2012 trending on Twitter.