How Will The Twins Lose Every Game This Week?

The Twins haven't started 0-3 since 1981, but that year they followed up a four-game season-opening sweep against Oakland with a trip to perennial also-rans Seattle, thus saving some embarrassment. This year, they get visits from Anaheim and Texas, two power-laden lineups with the potential to murder the Twins' weak pitching. It's not inconceivable that they could be 0-9 by this time next week. Below, a look at some of the ways - likely, less likely, and unlikely - that they might lose each game this week.

Monday vs Anaheim

Likely: Albert Pujols, making his first-ever visit to Minnesota as a player, gets four hits off of Nick Blackburn to lead the Angels to victory.

Less Likely: Albert Pujols hits four home runs off of Nick Blackburn to lead the Angels to victory.

Unlikely: Nick Blackburn, upon realizing that the Angels now have Albert Pujols, repeatedly throws the ball into the stands on purpose rather than throw a pitch.

Wednesday vs. Anaheim

Likely: Jered Weaver, one of the American League's best pitchers, throws a three hit-shutout to beat the Twins.

Less Likely: Jered Weaver struggles to get through five innings, but still does enough to beat the Twins.

Unlikely: A confused Mike Scioscia forgets to start a designated hitter, but Jered Weaver throws six shutout innings and hits three doubles, driving in four, to beat the Twins.

Thursday vs. Anaheim

Likely: Francisco Liriano, as inconsistent as ever, strikes out the side three times but walks five and allows seven hits in four innings.

Less likely: Francisco Liriano strikes out nine and scatters three hits in seven innings, but gets a no-decision when the Twins bullpen blows a late lead.

Unlikely: Francisco Liriano, starting off 26 of 30 batters faced with a strike and needing only 86 pitches, mows through the Angels in a 2:03 game, but loses 1-0 to a walk, a scratch single, and a sacrifice fly.

Friday vs. Texas

Likely: Trying to send a message to his complacent team, Ron Gardenhire plays just four players from the Opening Day lineup, but the Twins lose again to the Rangers.

Less Likely: Trying to send a message to his complacent team, Ron Gardenhire is ejected in the first inning for arguing a routine play at first base, and the Twins go on to lose.

Unlikely: Trying to send a message to his complacent team, Ron Gardenhire makes all of his players wear "Jennifer," "Isabella," and other traditionally female names on the back of their jerseys. "Lily" gives up eight runs in four innings, and "Ashley" strikes out four times en route to another Twins loss.

Saturday vs. Texas

Likely: Unable to solve Rangers phenom Yu Darvish, the Twins collect just two hits en route to a shutout loss.

Less Likely: Unable to keep the ball down, Nick Blackburn is pounded by the powerful Rangers lineup and departs in the third inning after giving up seven runs.

Unlikely: Unable to field a team due to a series of freak accidents, including food poisioning, three kitchen accidents, and a runaway antelope, the Twins forfeit a Saturday game against the Rangers.

Sunday vs. Texas

Likely: The Twins are on the verge of their first win of the year, but Matt Capps blows a two-run lead in the ninth inning and is booed off the field.

Less Likely: The Twins are on the verge of their first win of the year, but Matt Capps blows a fourteen-run lead in the ninth inning and is booed off the field.

Unlikely: The Twins are on the verge of their first win of the year, and a heroic group of fans tackle Matt Capps as he leaves the bullpen, forcing the abandonment of the game.