Do's and Don'ts for Fans of a Terrible Team

The Twins are mired in last place with no escape in sight. Any hopes for a run from the Twins this year are pretty much long gone; even respectability would be difficult to achieve after the team's first two months. We can only face this reality, and manage our actions and emotions appropriately.

With this in mind, I'd like to help you find a way to enjoy the remainder of this year. Baseball can be fun even when your favorite team has a two-in-three chance of losing every night - heck, I'm still a baseball fan, and I lived through the mid- and late-1990s, when the Twins were often mathematically eliminated from pennant contention midway through spring training. And so here, I have a few do's and don'ts for you, a fan of a terrible baseball team.

DO: Keep on attending games.
DON'T: Pay full price for a ticket, unless there is a very good reason, such as the seller holding you at gunpoint, which is so far the only scenario I can come up with that would cause me to pay more than about $5 for a Twins ticket the rest of this year.

DON'T: Leave the game early.
DO: Leave your seat to go to the bar.

DO: Beer.
DON'T: Heroin.

DO: Follow the minor league teams, in the hopes of help from the farm system for the major-league club.
DON'T: Quit your job, abandon your family, and move to Beloit under what is clearly a fake name like "Joseph Q. Milkcarton," because the cops will find you and you will have a lot of explaining to do.

DO: Feel free to take joy in cheering against other teams, like the White Sox and the Tigers.
DON'T: Twist yourself into knots about what to do when Detroit plays Chicago, because you can always hope for a measles epidemic or a flood or something like that.

DO: Pick out a National League team to cheer for, just for a way to get some excitement this summer.
DON'T: Decide that you're going to be a Cubs fan, because that's about the only way you can go wronger than being a Twins fan this year.

DO: Avail yourself of other local baseball options.
DON'T: Treat the players on your local town-team like you do the Twins, because those men live in your neighborhood and they can hear what you're saying about them and they will be waiting by your car when the game's over.

DO: Go to a St. Paul Saints game or two.
DON'T: Try to discuss baseball with your neighbor, because nobody who goes to a Saints game is actually watching the baseball, except as a pleasant backdrop for drunkenness and between-innings shenanigans.

DO: Start a website so that you can write about your favorite baseball team.
DON'T: Move to a city on the Eastern seaboard, because the next thing you know you'll be posting pictures of Fenway Park on Facebook and you'll have the writing staff worried that you're about to take off and write for a Red Sox blog instead of a Twins blog.