Some Twins Goals For The Rest Of The Year

After the Twins were swept by Oakland over the weekend, it's time to admit defeat: this year's starting to look an awful lot like last year. (In fact, the Twins are actually four games behind their pace from last year, so it might even be a worse version of last year, as painful as that is to admit.) The Twins don't have a big push left in them, like last year; they may not even have a little push left, again like last year. It's about slogging to the finish line in 2012.

With this in mind, we thought we'd look at how some individual Twins can make improvements this year. None of these goals may be that helpful to winning games, but they'll sure make it a lot more fun for us, the fans.

Carl Pavano: Pitch in a game while sporting a waxed, Snidely Whiplash-style handlebar mustache.

Justin Morneau: Finish the year healthy and happy, and hire someone to drive to Arizona and slash John McDonald's tires.

Joe Mauer: Actually cause a media member to fall asleep with a banal, boring answer to a question.

Ron Gardenhire: Convince Wayne Hattaway that the bottle of Old Overholt in your jacket pocket is actually doctor-prescribed.

Alexi Casilla: Somehow get a contract for next year.

Matt Capps: Ride a Segway to the mound for a relief appearance. If possible, gnaw on a barbecued turkey leg while doing so.

Drew Butera: Pitch in two more games without anybody noticing. (Just put on Casey Fien's jersey. Nobody knows what he looks like yet.)

Jeff Gray: #50shadesofjeffgray

Francisco Liriano: Get to the end of the year without causing a literal fire or explosion on the mound. (Figurative fires and explosions are okay. We're just expecting them to manifest in physical disaster any time now.)

Sam Deduno: Give us one good reason why we shouldn't just call you "Denudo" like we type every single time we come to your name.

Trevor Plouffe: Go back to your awful Prince Valiant bowl cut that you were sporting at the start of the year. That was so terrible it was awesome.

Cole De Vries: Get a more awesome nickname, since "De Vries" translates to "The Freezer" in English.

Josh Willingham: Beg off of Saturday games in September to watch Alabama football. If unable to do so, convince equipment manager to sew "ROLL TIDE" on the back of your jersey.

Ryan Doumit: Stop having flashbacks to all those terrible Pittsburgh teams you were on.

Brian Dozier: Finish the season without losing any teeth to a grounder or airmailing a throw into the stands.

Denard Span: Get through the trading period without being driven insane by constant trade rumors.

Ben Revere: Get your very first-ever successful fair sacrifice bunt down in a key situation.

Darin Mastroianni: Teach Bert Blyleven and Dan Gladden to correctly pronounce your name.