Local crank Tom Hanson has had it up to here with his wet basement and has decided it's time to do something about it: he is going to blame it on Minnesota Twins manager Ron Gardenhire and pitching coach Rick Anderson.
"Those clowns shoulda been fired five years ago," said the unreasonable Hanson, 37. "Now it doesn't rain for a whole [expletive] month, we get one thunderstorm, and there's [expletive] water all over the place again. Those guys, I tell you, they gotta go."
Hanson, an untethered-to-reality electrician and Anoka resident, says the problems all began when Ron Gardenhire was hired as manager instead of Paul Molitor.
"My ex-wife and I, we knew there were issues with the foundation when we bought this Christ-forsaken dump. We closed on the same day they named that [expletive] dope instead of Molly. They hire that backwoods fraud instead of a Hall-of-Famer from St. Paul? Pretty goddamn easy to connect the dots, if you ask me."
Hanson's few friends say this is not the first time that he has angrily shifted the blame for things to the two men, who almost certainly had no hand in the laying of the foundation of Hanson's 1950s-era house or any repairs or improvements made since.
"Yeah, when Tommy's marriage fell apart, all he could say was ‘Bleepin' Gardy' this, ‘pitch-to-contact dum-dums' that," said Denny Harris, a neighbor. "I know he was spending a lot of time at the VFW playing pull tabs, drinking, coming home late, but when Carol finally left him, he was convinced it was because they weren't getting the most out of Delmon Young."
Hanson has aired his displeasure with the two men in the online comments sections of local newspapers and calling in to local sports-talk radio stations. The poor feedback he's received has only galvanized his alarmingly misguided beliefs.
"I tell you, the Red Star (Star-Tribune) and 1500 and KFAN, they're all protecting those guys," said Hanson, his steadily rising voice a mix of inchoate rage and witlessness. "I write a comment on that idiot (Star-Tribune baseball reporter LaVelle) Neal's blog, calling him out for being a whore, and they delete the comment like I'm in Russia. And the last time I got through on 1500, they hung up on me just because I compared those two jokers to that guy who was diddling kids at Penn State. Free country my white butt."
For his part, Hanson wrongly insists he sees the situation clearly, even if no one else does.
"Lot of guys tell me that if I'm gonna be so critical of them, I need to give them credit for guys like Scott Diamond or Glen Perkins or Trevor Plouffe. No, I don't. You know why? Because (Gardenhire and Anderson) suck, that's why. I got an inch of standing water in my basement that'll tell you as much. [Expletive] those guys. No accountability in the entire organization, and my Shop-Vac is just about shot."
When reminded of the fact that Twins General Manager Bill Smith was relieved of his duties in the off-season and some would view that as being held accountable, Hanson mumbled an acknowledgment under his breath before launching an asinine series of attacks against Justin Morneau.