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The White Sox Try To "Fix" Francisco Liriano

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Left, we see a man who tried every fix he could think of; right, we see a man to whom nothing will stick.
Left, we see a man who tried every fix he could think of; right, we see a man to whom nothing will stick.

South Side Sox reports on Chicago White Sox GM Kenny Williams, talking with reporters following the Sox's trade for Francisco Liriano:

Let's fast-forward to Tuesday night, when Liriano is scheduled to start at Target Field...

First Inning

WHITE SOX MANAGER ROBIN VENTURA: He looks solid in warmups, don't he, Don?

WHITE SOX PITCHING COACH DON COOPER: Yep. Threw great in the pen. I think we got this guy straightened out.

Third Inning

VENTURA: Look at that! He struck out the side!

COOPER: I don't know what's wrong with the guys in that dugout - this was easy! He's fixed! He's cured!

Fifth Inning

(/Brian Dozier swings at a slider that breaks about two feet)

VENTURA (sobbing): It's just so perfect! How could they let him go?

COOPER (physically jumping up and down like a kid on Christmas morning) WE DID IT! I'M A GENIUS!

VENTURA: Look at the Twins dugout! (He points his finger.) Hey, why are they laughing at us?

COOPER: I dunno. They're actually laughing at our dugout.

VENTURA: Hey, why are those fans behind home plate breaking out the riot gear?

Sixth Inning

(/Liriano walks the leadoff hitter)

COOPER: Shake it off, Frankie!

VENTURA: Ah, he'll be fine, let him pitch.

Sixth Inning, Four Batters Later

VENTURA: Oh.

COOPER: Oh God.

VENTURA: What the hell happened?

COOPER: Why is he suddenly falling down every time he throws? (yelling at the mound) STAND UP OUT THERE! PITCH LIKE YOU DID LAST INNING!

VENTURA: Everything was fine! He just - he just walked a guy and then...

COOPER: Why did he start pitching off the side of the rubber? Who told him to do that?

VENTURA: Didn't you tell him not to do that?

COOPER: Yes! I just went out there and told him! He speaks English, right? I mean, he just stared through me like I was a ghost! Then I heard him mumble something about evil spirits hiding the strike zone from him.

VENTURA: Oh g - what the hell's he doing now? Is he SITTING on the mound right now? The runner just stole second at a stroll!

COOPER: I think he's crying, skip.

VENTURA: Jeez, call the bullpen. Tell them whoever's the warmest is pitching right now.

COOPER: (tries the phone) No dial tone. I think somebody's cut this phone line.

VENTURA: Is - is that Rick Anderson rolling around on the field, laughing his head off?

COOPER: I think we've been set up, skipper.

VENTURA: (waving arms in the direction of the bullpen) WE NEED A RELIEVER! ANYBODY! SOMEBODY HELP!

COOPER: It's too late. Liriano just threw one into the upper deck.

VENTURA: On purpose?

COOPER: WELL WHO THE HELL KNOWS, THIS GUY'S NUTS!

VENTURA: We've been had. We've been had! Somebody call upstairs and tell Kenny we've been had! (buries head in hands)

COOPER: You want I should get Frankie first?

VENTURA: Yes.

COOPER: Can I bring a couple of guys? He's running around the infield like he's trying to punch invisible attackers.

VENTURA: Oh God.