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Colognes For The Rest Of Major League Baseball

"Yeah, this doesn't smell right. Smells like somebody lit a pile of newspapers on fire."
"Yeah, this doesn't smell right. Smells like somebody lit a pile of newspapers on fire."

You may have heard about the Yankees-branded cologne that is, against all odds, selling quite well. This was mostly a joke at the time - Deadspin's testers described it as having a "weird, subversive fruity smell" - but according to SportsBusiness Daily, the company behind it is expecting to sell $14 million worth.

Well, with that kind of money at stake, every baseball team should be getting on board. And so we've put the fragrance experts here at Twinkie Town on the case, to come up with a new scent for the other major league teams. Here we go:


Red Sox: The scent of a sweaty tank top, with hints of cheap vodka and Kool cigarettes. Experts: "Should remind people of racism."

Orioles: Old Bay seasoning. Not the scent, just the seasoning. It's the leading aphrodisiac of Maryland.

Rays: Strong notes of Ben-Gay. Bottle should arrive three-quarters empty.

Blue Jays: A manly Canadian scent, with notes of maple syrup, and a hint of the smell of a skate sharpener to remind us of the fall when Maple Leafs training camp starts and all of Canada forgets about baseball.


Twins: A strong whiff of pine needles. Disappears after five minutes because nobody likes a show-off.

White Sox: Combination of roofing tar and cigarettes. Mixing with the Cubs cologne causes a fire.

Indians: Smells like a burning river.

Tigers: Smells like a burning car.

Royals: MLB licensing will forget that they exist, leading the team to simply market barbecue sauce as cologne. Predicted to be the leading seller.


Mariners: Pine-y, outdoorsy smell, with hints of clam chowder and a sweatshirt that's been rained on for 30 consecutive days.

Angels: The smell of a burning $20 bill.

Rangers: Strong notes of a cattle ranch, with mellow hints of armpit sweat and pure gasoline.

Athletics: Half marijuana smoke, half the smell you get when you melt a penny in a Bunsen burner.


Braves: Car exhaust, with notes of pear trees.

Mets: Smells like it's been scraped from the floor of the 7 train.

Nationals: Repackaged four-dollar Wal-mart cologne, and all profits go to Peter Angelos for some reason.

Phillies: Cologne is literally made of equal parts buffalo wing sauce and blood.

Marlins: AXE body spray. Makes you talk really fast about anything that pops into your head and okay we're pretty sure that this bottle has cocaine in it but hey you know what we should really do we should really just go get on a boat like down in the water and just PARTY, you know? (h/t)


Pirates: Tears, with notes of depression. Comes with Prozac prescription.

Reds: Chili powder, with just a hint - just a little hint - of the rusting frame of a '78 Pontiac.

Brewers: 24-ounce bottle of strangely viscous jalapeno cheese. Label warns you to drink at least three beers before applying.

Cubs: "Fierce by Abercrombie & Fitch," repackaged into a Cubs bottle and sold at four times the price. Smells awful but still outsells the White Sox cologne ten to one.

Cardinals: Scents of Busch beer. Package describes it as the best cologne in the entire world. Cards fans repeatedly parrot this line despite being told that they smell like the carpeting in a fraternity house.

Astros: Peppery, with scents of pure oil and the smell of a crisp new hundred-dollar bill.


Giants: Incense. Just rub it on your skin, man. It's gonna open up your mind.

Dodgers: Smells kind of like sunscreen. Scent lasts like twenty minutes. Sold for $250 a bottle, yet still somehow moves more units than the rest of the West combined.

Diamondbacks: Smells like red chiles mixed with the kind of liniment you'd find in your grandpa's dresser.

Padres: Notes of gunpowder and sushi. Hangs around and won't leave.

Rockies: [This cologne seized by the ATF because it's just a bag of weed that somebody left in a ski bag and that is not a cologne, and we also don't believe somebody broke into your dad's Range Rover and left it there.]