The MLB News Roundup, Augmented With Five-Item Lists

Item: Melky Cabrera tried to create a fake website, in an attempt to prove his failed drug test was no fault of his own.

Five Websites Created By Twins Players For Various Reasons

1. SasquatchIsInHawaii.com - Created by Anthony Swarzak to try to convince fellow Sasquatch hunters to hold next year's convention in Hawaii
2. AnthonySlamaHasAnERAUnder1.com - Created by Anthony Slama and repeatedly sent to members of the Twins' front office
3. HuskyPitcher.com - Created by Tyler Robertson, because it's so hard to find double-tall 3XL gear.
4. TargetField2012Survivors.com - Created by Clete Thomas, Erik Komatsu, Luke Hughes, and Sean Burroughs, for those who need a place to talk about their low points
5. HideOnTheWestEnd.com - Created by Jeff Gray to explain how to get through an entire season in the bullpen without pitching well at any point

Item: The Astros fired manager Brad Mills, after Houston's awful struggles over the past two years, mostly due to their lack of any half-decent players.

Blaming Brad Mills For The Astros Is Like...

1. Blaming baked beans for global warming
2. Blaming the Big Mac for the obesity epidemic
3. Blaming Jeremy Clarkson for high gas prices
4. Blaming JD Salinger for John Hinckley being a nutcase
5. Blaming Antoine Lavoisier, who named the element hydrogen, for the Hindenburg disaster

Item: Joe Maddon got himself thrown out during Felix Hernandez's no-hitter, ostensibly to try to break King Felix's rhythm.

The Most Common Reasons Ron Gardenhire Has Tried To Get Thrown Out

1. Major League Fishing about to start on the Outdoors Channel
2. It's 10:45pm, local bowling alley won't sell lanes after 11
3. Alexi Casilla isn't in the lineup, had burritos for lunch
4. Sick of Scott Ullger's stupid face
5. Unbearable existential ennui

Item: The Astros are planning to change their ballpark next year as they switch leagues to the AL.

The Best Theoretical Uses For Houston's Stupid Hill In Center Field

1. Kids' activities area, containing such favorites as "Hit Craig Biggio With A Pitch," and "Give Carlos Lee All The Money From Your Wallet Right Now"
2. Growing cotton so that the Astros have at least one decent source of revenue
3. Holding pen for the drunk Rangers fans that will likely outnumber Astros fans at the park next year
4. Storing junk that's fallen off the Astrodome
5. Oil exploration

Item: The Cubs are reported to be locking up shortstop Starlin Castro, who's likely to be arbitration-eligible for the first time this winter, for seven years and $60 million.

Joe Mauer's Best Advice For Starlin Castro

1. "Keep a calm head."
2. "Change your name to 'Lou Castro' so the boos don't hurt so much."
3. "Never strike out, go 0-4, or make an error again. Or get hurt. Or, God forbid, struggle for a couple of months even though your legs don't work and you're swinging entirely with your arms like you're standing on a rowboat."
   
4. "Appear dead to all excitement, as if baseball had long since ceased to be a fun game and instead had become a near-unbearable slog through the broken remnants of a childhood dream. Forget about the desires for greatness you once had. Forget about those enjoyable days in the back yard with your father and brothers and grandfather. Forget about your heroes, because heroism is a joke and hope is the punch line. Joy dies and all that's left is people shouting awful things at you, things they'd never say to your face but they think it's okay to say from the stands. BASEBALL IS A CORPSE AND YOUR CONTRACT IS THE UNDERTAKER."
   
5. "Invest conservatively."