Well, Tsuyoshi Nishioka's back in the big leagues, like the uncle that won't leave at Christmas, or a fart that gets in the couch cushions and is still there three days later. In honor of one of the worst Twins ever, here's a selection of lists about the "shortstop."
The Top 5 People Who Are Better At Their Jobs Than Tsuyoshi Nishioka Is At His
- Kevin Costner, dialect coach
- Richard Nixon, honest public servant
- Mark Madsen, dancer
- Carl Lewis, vocalist
- Vinko Bogotaj, ski jumper
The Top 5 Inanimate Objects That, If Placed Directly On Top Of Home Plate, Would Have A Better Chance Of Being A Decent Major League Hitter Than Tsuyoshi Nishioka
- Queen-size mattress
- Children's trampoline
- 65-gallon water heater
- John Deere S-Series combine harvester
- Bengie Molina
The Top 5 Twins That, Given A Major Restriction, Would Still Be Better Defensive Shortstops Than Tsuyoshi Nishioka
- Joe Mauer, must throw left-handed
- Ben Revere, must run the ball the entire distance to the base
- Jamey Carroll, must wear a blindfold
- Drew Butera, not allowed to wear a glove
- Justin Morneau, must wear full hockey goaltender gear and shoot the ball to first base with his stick
The Top 5 Things We Hope This Stint In The Majors For Tsuyoshi Nishioka Accomplishes
- He gets traded.
- Well, we don't know who would trade for him. Someone drunk?
- The Twins could pick up his salary and trade him for a player to be named later.
- As long as the player to be named later isn't Nishioka.
- Is Brian Sabean still a GM somewhere?
The Top 5 Nonexistent Crimes That Tsuyoshi Nishioka Should Go To Baseball Jail For
- Impersonating a shortstop
- Swinging bat with intent to ground weakly to third
- Lying about being a switch-hitter
- Illegal possession of eighty pounds of pointless body armor
- Getting promoted to the major leagues on false grounds