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Undaunted, Don Cooper Eyes Lindsay Lohan, the Ancient Supercontinent of Pangaea as Post-Liriano Projects

Don Cooper may not have been able to fix Francisco Liriano, but he's not giving up on his other reclamation projects.

Rick Osentoski-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

It appears as if White Sox pitching coach Don Cooper’s attempts to fix Francisco Liriano have met the same frustrating end as Rick Anderson’s countless efforts to get the enigmatic left-hander to be a consistent, top-of-the-rotation starter. To his credit, he remains undaunted. In fact, there are some other intractable problems that Don Cooper has seen that he thinks he can fix with some vague bromides and pronouncements:

  • "Don’t know why the NFL settled with the old refs. I was looking at that Green Bay/Seattle game, and those replacements had all the tools. Tweak a few things here, work on a few things there, and you’ve got maybe a better crew than the original guys at a fraction of the cost."
  • "Romney’s trailing Obama in the polls, but I don’t know, I’ve been looking at his campaign strategy, and I think there are some things we can do. Focus on some swing states, hammer out some ads, tighten up a few policy positions in certain spots, and I think we can do some things in October and November."
  • "Lindsay Lohan is experiencing one heck of a career downturn. I don’t know, though, you take a look at some of her work, and I think you just have to adjust a few things here, narrow down some choices there, and you could be looking at an A-list starlet again."
  • "You take a look at the Middle East, and all the fighting that's been going on for generations, and I tell you, maybe move some things around a little bit, take a new angle on a few others, and now you've got yourself a tentative peace."
  • "Some guys are saying there’s gonna be a global bacon shortage next year because of the North American drought. I don’t know, I say you turn this thing on its head a little bit, adjust for some market elasticities, and you probably have enough bacon to keep everyone happy."
  • "Sounds like the Twins have given up the ghost on Tsuyoshi Nishioka. Caught a few of his games on the hotel TV this summer, and you can see a few things here and there that can happen. Put some time in at the cage, make some adjustments with his footwork, and you’ve got a starting infielder."
  • "Amelia Earhart has been missing for 70-odd years now. But you look at her flight plan, fire up the Google Maps one of my grandkids put on my walkie-talkie phone, and I think you’ve got this mystery solved. Is she alive? I’m not telling, but I think the answer will surprise you."
  • "Pangaea, the ancient landmass from which all the continents sprang, has been separated for a long, long time, roughly since the Paleozoic Era. But if you look at it with a set of fresh eyes, you move a couple things around, tweak some things here and there, and I think you could have some success getting the band back together, so to speak."
  • "The Wall Street Journal published a study that says Hawk Harrelson is the biggest homer in all of baseball. I’ve watched a few of the broadcasts on DVR, and I tell you…nah, just kidding. He’s hopeless. I’m not some goddamn miracle worker."