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Slama to Twins Fans: "Nah, I'm Good Here." (SATIRE)

"If you like going for a walk, go along the original Erie Canal trail.  It's breathtaking."
"If you like going for a walk, go along the original Erie Canal trail. It's breathtaking."

Anthony Slama has one thing to say to the Twins fans and bloggers clamoring for his promotion to the major leagues: "Nah, I'm good here."

In a Twinkie Town exclusive, Slama surprisingly claimed that he's "perfectly okay" with staying in Rochester, New York, which he wanted to remind people is "the Northwestern gateway to the Finger Lakes."

Although he's spent the better part of his career in the minor leagues, with just a brief turn with the Twins in July 2010, the right-handed reliever, who will turn 29 in January, is in no hurry get back to Minneapolis.

"I've built a life here," said Slama. "Most of my teammates rent a condo or something, but I've bought a nice place in the Corn Hill neighborhood, right by the Genesee River. Got DirecTV Sunday Ticket, a heated garage, an ass-kicking wine's all good for A-Slams."

While Twins bloggers are scratching their heads over Slama getting passed over as seemingly less qualified relievers like Jeff Gray get extended looks, Slama doesn't trouble himself thinking about it.

"Hey, I've got great stats against Triple-A guys, and I'm proud of that, don't get me wrong. Would that success translate in the bigs? I'd like to think so, but I know for a fact that Expansion Management Magazine says Rochester has the best quality of life of any metro area in the U.S. Not trying to be a hater, but have you ever driven around Roseville? Have fun at the strip mall next to the other strip mall, bud."

Slama, who finished the season with a 1.24 ERA and 56 strikeouts in 36 1/3 innings pitched, is looking forward to what 2013 will bring.

"I've averaging over 12 strikeouts per 9 innings for my career," said Slama. "If I stay in shape in the off-season in one of the state-of-the-art workout facilities this area has to offer, and come into spring with my mind right, I think I can push that to 13. Gotta stay away from that Abbott's Frozen Custard, but if you're coming to town, try the chocolate almond. Tell ‘em A-Slams sent you, maybe they'll throw in an extra scoop on the house."