Anthony Swarzak needs to keep busy in the offseason

(/cheesy 80s synthesizer music plays)

Hey, welcome to Squatch Update, your home for all things Sasquatch related. Before we get started, our thanks to North Metro Channel 14 for hosting us again this year. If you're going to do a public-access TV show, I suggest you do it here - and make sure you ask for Carla to be your producer.

(/camera swings around to show a monumentally bored woman with a cigarette in her mouth)

We're going to be taking your calls, but first I want to go over the latest news in Squatching - the sighting reports from Detroit and Boston I've been hearing. People have been filling up the message boards with reports of seeing a Squatch dressed up in a baseball uniform and playing baseball, but I can tell you right now: that is Prince Fielder. He is not a Sasquatch and I know this because I asked his teammates and they all looked at me quizzically, like, "Anthony, of course not, he doesn't display any of the characteristics that one would use to identify a Squatch." So I think we can put those reports to bed.

All right, let's take your calls. Carla, let's go to line one? According to my screen, it's Tom from right here in Blaine. Tom, go ahead, you're on Squatch Update.

"Hey there Anthony, I just want to know why you don't quit with all this nonsense and get to work. If I lost a hundred games this year, I wouldn't be messing around with all of this Sasquatch crap. Get yourself to winter ball or something and start hitting some dingers instead of all your little girly singles."

Tom, what's this got to do with Sasquatch?

"DON'T YOU TALK DOWN TO ME. I PAY YOUR SALARY, BUDDY, AND I HAVE GOT A RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH AND THERE ISN'T NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT SO MAYBE YOU JUST BETTER GO AHEAD AND..."

Whoa. Carla, maybe we better screen those calls a little, what do you think?

(/camera swings around to Carla, who still appears monumentally bored and has a cigarette in her mouth)

All right. Let's go to line two. We've got Ken, from Eden Prairie; Ken, go ahead, you're on Squatch Update.

"Hi Anthony, thanks for taking my call. I was just wondering if you think the Twins will spend some money on free-agent pitching in the offseason. I'll hang up and listen."

Well, Ken, I'm guessing the team is going to try to improve, for sure, but I don't think that question has much to do with Sasquatch, you know what I'm saying? Let's go to another call. Ron from Little Canada, you're on Squatch Up - wait. No. Not him.

"Anthony! Good to hear you're keeping busy!"

Good to hear from you too, skip.

"So I guess you're spending your offseason chasing large, hairy animals again. And then in your spare time, looking for Sasquatch, am I right?"

Good one, skip. You got me.

"NOT YET I DON'T YOU LITTLE WEIRDO. You gonna do any wrestling this offseason? Maybe a couple of suplexes? Maybe just jump off a bridge and leave me without a long reliever in the bullpen?"

No, skip. I'm not going to wrestle anybody this offseason.

"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WRESTLE ANYBODY. I can't figure you out, Anthony. You come in my office and tell me you want to get back to starting, but here you are with your little public-access TV show. I figured you'd be out working on something right now, trying to get ready for February."

What do you want me to do, Skip? I felt like I got guys out last year.

"Well, you could add a little oomph to that marshmallow you call a fastball. Maybe a changeup that does something other than get slapped around the park, too."

I tried to get Coach Anderson to work with me on that, but he told me to figure it out on my own because he didn't have time because "this mustache ain't gonna ride itself."

"YOU LEAVE RICK OUT OF THIS YOU LITTLE GOOF. Anyway, I'm expecting to see you raring to go in February, cause I'll tell you this: I got two years left and the whole hug you and pat you on the back thing ain't working. Fun time is over, and I'm not gonna hesitate before I send you to Single-A with the nineteen-year-olds if you displease me. See you then."

Well, folks, I guess that's just about all the time we have on Squatch Update. Join us again when we have another show. Maybe never....

It's going to be a long offseason.