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OPINION: Twins Should Of Moved Mauer, All Right, by Tom Hanson

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Anoka resident and classic North Metro shit-for-brains Tom Hanson checks back in with his opinion of Joe Mauer's move to first base and a suggested addition to the coaching staff

Just try sitting a game out with this guy on the bench, Mauer.
Just try sitting a game out with this guy on the bench, Mauer.
Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

(NOTE: Tom Hanson has been profiled at Twinkie Town before, and most recently wrote about Joe Mauer leaving the team to be with his pregnant wife this summer. Again, the following has been edited for clarity and all threats to German Chancellor Angela Merkel have been removed.)

It's my opinion that the Twins were correct in moving Joe Mauer from catcher. However, they should of (EDITOR'S NOTE: "have") moved him off the damn team, not to first base. This is why Gardy sucks and Terry Ryan sucks and they should all be fired. It's like the song goes, one step forward, two Joe Mauers is the only thing worse than one Joe Mauer, because then you have two soft singles-hitting jerkasses (EDITOR'S NOTE: this is not a song of which we're aware).

Lots of Mauer's media bobos are in the tank for him because of all the ouchies he got behind home plate and saying it's the right thing to move him to first. All I know is when I was working construction I'd take a 2x4 to the chops once a week, minimum, and you know what I did? I went to work the next goldang day. Meanwhile, the St. Paul Softy takes a lil' foul tip off his mask and is like, "Oh, hey, gotta take the rest of the season off, Gardy, feelin' kinda dizzy." Yeah, right. THANKS OBAMA (EDITOR'S NOTE: we have no idea what the President has to do with this).

You know what, though? I think I have a way to fix this for the Twins, and I don't even work there (kinda like Rick Anderson LOL). One time, we had this new kid, Carlos, on the job site, and we just gave him hell about not being from here and used every bad name in the book we had on him. He kept saying it was a summer job, and that he was from Stillwater and he didn't speak Spanish. Sure thing, Carlos! Anyway, the next day, he wasn't there, and the day after that we got fired from the project for some dumb reason I don't know about, but I know that Carlos, wherever he is, learned a valuable lesson from our leadership.

What I'm saying is, the Twins need a leader. So, go ahead and move Mauer to first base, but you know what else you do? You get that Richie Impetigo (EDITOR'S NOTE: "Incognito") from the Dolphins, hire him as a bench coach, and have him ride Mauer's ass all the live long day. If you're going to keep flushing $23 million down the shitter every year, may as well try to toughen up Mr. White Gloves and Velvet (EDITOR'S NOTE: we really don't know what this means). If the Dolphins and the NFL don't appreciate a great American like Inburrito (EDITOR'S NOTE: "Incognito"), I know Minnesota's taxpayers will.

Just imagine it: Mauer hits a weak little single to left field, and instead of the first base coach playing patty cake with him, you have Incaviglia (EDITOR'S NOTE: fuck it) threatening to murder his entire family if the ball doesn't go over the dang fence next time. Tell you what, he'll listen, that's for sure. Foul a ball off your shin, Cretin-Derham Hall? Get back in the box or Richie will make a number two in your earhole. No more free passes, Joe. It's a man's game now. You're welcome for another great idea, Gardy. You still suck.

Sincerely,

Tom Hanson