The Minnesota Twins are laser-focused this winter on rebuilding their starting pitching staff and improving their lineup. However, per Philly.com, that isn't stopping them from pursuing other, equally important tasks, such as opposing the WWE's trademark of the Bella Twins, a wrasslin' duo comprised of twin sisters.
But why stop there? There are literally thousands of "twins" out there who are not a professional baseball team and are just out there, existing, all without the express written consent of the Minnesota Twins and Major League Baseball. One area brunch enthusiast has already snarkily asked why the team hasn't gone after the Olsen Twins or Tia and Tamara Mowry of Sister, Sister fame. However, I take this threat to the Minnesota Twins' hegemony and sovereignty very seriously, and am listing below the many other twins that the organization can go after for punitive damages and whatnot. Heavy on the whatnot. Mountains of whatnot. There's no need to thank me, Dave St. Peter, but I will not turn down Champions' Club seats next year, if that's what you're wondering. Nudge.
TWINS WHO ARE MAKING A MOCKERY OF THE NAME TWINS AND ARE HEREBY ON NOTICE THAT WE'RE NOT FUCKIN' AROUND HERE:
- Hayley Mills in the Parent Trap (1961)--Hollywood filth
- Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap (1998)--I shouldn't need to expand on why the Twins, a family-friendly organization, would not want to be associated with the troubled Ms. Lohan.
- The Wonder Twins, Zan and Jayna, from the Super Friends cartoon--Jayna could become any animal, while Zan could only turn into a form of water, which is bullshit misandry. They also had a blue monkey named Gleek, which was just stupid. Anyway, sue them.
- The Kray Twins--British gangsters from London's notorious East End. They were also portrayed in a movie by the twins from Spandau Ballet, who sang the New Wave roller-skating jam "True." DO YOU WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH CRIMINALS AND SPANDAU BALLET, DAVE ST. PETER?
- Phoebe and Ursula Buffay--from the television program Friends. Lisa Kudrow made a shit-ton of money on that show and she is ripping off a team that has had to cut payroll the last two years.
- The Barbi Twins. Are they still around? Well, if they are, give 'em a good talking-to.
- The Madden Brothers from the band Good Charlotte. Good Charlotte sucked. Sue them on principle.
- Cole and Dylan Sprouse. I've seen every episode of the Suite LIfe On Deck. Gitmo is too good for these monsters.
- Ronde and Tiki Barber. It's mostly Tiki's fault, Ronde. Don't blame yourself.
- Jose and Ozzie Canseco. It's mostly Jose's fault, Ozzie. Don't blame yourself.
Venus and Serena Williams--(NOT TWINS! I knew this, but I put them in anyway because I'm a dummy.)
- The Sklar Brothers
- Kim and Kelley Deal--"Cannonball" is still great.
- Dick and Tom Van Arsdale
- Jim and Jenny Thome--yep, JI has a twin sister! Don't sue Jim Thome.
- Jacob and Esau from the Old Testament--I don't think they're alive anymore, maybe sue the estate?