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Area Gypsy Women: Don't Blame Us For Twins Injury Woes

"Our curses will cause your genitals to wilt and your skin to boil, but this stuff is just cruel."


The Twins ended their season with their best player (Joe Mauer) sidelined with a concussion. Their off-season was barely underway before their top two prospects (Byron Buxton and Miguel Sano) were both ruled out of fall baseball with shoulder and elbow issues. And area gypsy women, long misunderstood and shrouded in timeless mystery, want you to know that this isn't their doing.

"Don't pin this on us," said Lenora Kaldash, who wouldn't give an age but had the craggy visage and wrinkled hands of a person who has seen many decades on this planet. "We're frankly tired of people using 'gypsy' as a pejorative, for one, and for two, our curses usually involve cuckolds or deceivers. This Byron Buxton seems like a nice young man. We wouldn't do that."

The Twins have dealt with a seemingly unending string of miserable injury luck, from the elbow blowouts and Tommy John surgeries that have befallen prized pitching prospects to lingering concussions that have waylaid the careers of Corey Koskie and Justin Morneau.

"We like Canadians," said Kaldash excitedly. "They are a kind and welcoming people, and we would never deprive their native sons (Koskie and Morneau are both Canadian-born) of their livelihoods at such a young age."

Elena Hutz, who like Kaldash wouldn't give an age, and if anything seemed older than Kaldash, older than time itself, perhaps, agreed that people attempting to blame a gypsy curse for the Twins woes were misguided.

"We're simply not powerful enough to cast such a pall over one group of people," said Hutz, her voice barely more than a croak. "I look at this team and say, 'Call off the dogs already.' It's simply absurd. Do you know, is the new stadium built on cursed land? I have no other good ideas."

Hutz spoke from her musty parlor in the back of a Columbia Heights laundromat, littered with inscrutable texts, lit candles and a television tuned to Fox Sports North. "Sometimes they'll rerun Twins games from years ago," said Hutz. "I enjoy seeing A.J. Pierzynski play, especially knowing what comes next for him." She wouldn't elaborate on that statement, other than to say, "I hope he enjoys oozing."