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Well my name's Joe Mauer and I'm here to say
Why's everyone so mad these days?
Got batting titles and a brand new wife
But the haters all bring the drama and the strife
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Straight outta Cretin, 3-sport playa
FSU scholly, said no thank ya
Went ahead of Mark Prior, turned a few heads
Wish MP all the best cuz arm trouble's bad
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Drink 1% milk keep them bones strong
Da skim's too watery, whole milk's just wrong
Keep them sideburns trim,'fore they get blowed out
But the critics all just wanna scream and shout
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Had some trouble with my legs, but that's all gone
Knees are just fine, and my singles game's on
Call a good game, get that W right,
But win or lose, ya gotta always be polite
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The bloggers all ask if I should make that transition
To first base, maybe, or another position
Tell 'em I can catch for a few more seasons
Sensible bedtime's one of the reasons.
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Advanced metrics say I got a mad OPS
Lack of ding-dongs makes the message boards stress
Ask 'em what they want, more swings at bad pitches
They need to chill out, have some PB sammiches
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I hit to all fields, hands back and ready
You tell me pull the ball, I'll take it to the oppy
Got those doubters sayin' I gotta go yard
But I just do my work like the folks at Menard's
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Now I ain't one to raise up a ruckus
People are gonna b-word and call you a sucka
Mom raised me to turn that other cheek
Inherit that earth y'all gots to be meek
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Roll it over to second for that 4-6-3
Let a runner advance, hey that's on me.
But I just gotta say to all the haters and such
I hear what ya sayin' and thanks so much
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Well, that was sarcasm, betcha knew that already
Know it ain't right, but I gotta stay steady
Give the beats some words after a late-inning thrilla
"Both teams played hard," quotes straight up vanilla
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Speaking of ice cream, that's the very best flavor
Kemps French Vanilla is what I savor
Folks top it off with caramel or pecans
Agree to disagree, that's just too much goin' on
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Looking on out at twenty thirteen
Door's wide open if you know what I mean
Lotta guys sayin' we'll be bringin' up that rear
I see you Aaron Gleeman, listen so you hear
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Solid starting nine and a bullpen that works
Chase that other starter and get the ball to Perk
Rotation is unsettled on that we all agree
Give Andy some time, and like a blind man see
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Just wait until June and please be respectful
Watch us compete in that AL Central
Tigers look tough, Whities got some pluck
Cleveland is improved and KC's got bad luck
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Almost outta time, gotta go to work
Just one last request: don't be a jerk
Brief reminder that I just don't hate ya
But y'all be nicer to that Kevin Correia