Aaron Hicks Healed My Pain, And Other Astounding Stories

Aaron Hicks is the only exciting thing about the Minnesota Twins this year. That excitement is high, but it's not quite high enough, because I still have other thoughts in my head, like "I bet Kevin Correia makes us wish for Nick Blackburn," and these thoughts are depressing and I don't like them.

So let me tell you a story about Aaron Michael Hicks: Aaron Hicks healed my pain.

I have walked with a limp for eight years, because in 2005 I was at a corporate golf outing and a captain of industry sliced one off the 18th hole. I was standing on the putting green at the time, and his ball caught me square in the calf muscle, and as I lay on the green in pain, this CEO drove up in his cart with some yes-man lackey and said - I'll never forget these words - "Hey, did you see where my ball landed?" The lackey seemed a little bit embarrassed but the big guy was still hoping to get up and down for par. I later heard he three-putted for a 103. I guess I threw off his big chance to break 100.

The doctor told me to ice it but it never really healed right, and so unless I warm it up on an exercise bike for about twenty minutes, it hurts when I walk. So I limp. But the other day I was in Fort Myers, and I was walking by Field 3 - limping by - and Aaron Hicks looked up and said, to me, "Hey, it looks like you're headed for the disabled list." And just like that, the pain was gone.

Well, I couldn't have been a lot happier. I ran about ten miles that night, tears in my eyes with joy, and the next day I started asking around and it turns out a lot of other people are hearing the same kind of thing.

This one lady, she was about 45 or so, said her car needed new tires, and every time it rained she near slid right off the road. Aaron Hicks hit her car with a foul ball, and when she was looking at the dent, she noticed that the treads on her tires were like new, just brand new. And another guy, looked a little like my brother to tell you the truth, he said he forgot his ticket at home but he saw Aaron Hicks outside, signing an autograph for a kid, and that man felt something just drop into his coat pocket and when he reached in there, there was his ticket. And it was for the fifth row instead of the eleventh, and a little more on the shady side of the park, which is nice in the late afternoon.

A kid about seventeen told me that he got his glove signed by Aaron Hicks, and the next day Florida A&M called up and offered him a baseball scholarship. And he got a date to the prom, too, and if you'd seen this kid you'd know that was something, all right.

I talked to a woman who was having some trouble with her finances, but she watched Aaron Hicks hit a home run, and the next day her CPA called up and told her that due to an arcane new rule in the tax code, she was getting a federal tax refund of $4,000.

I think it's even spilling over on to the field, to tell you the truth. Brian Dozier dived for a ground ball the other day and not only didn't lose three teeth, he came up with it and made the play. That's hard to believe. Samuel Deduno only walked two guys in four innings the other day, which might be his all-time record. Both of these guys have met Aaron Hicks. You can't deny that connection.

Talked to a orthodontist who said kids keep canceling their appointments because they don't need braces any more. Talked to a beer vendor who hasn't had to make a trip to reload for weeks because somehow, his tray is always full. Talked to a band that's got signed to a record deal at SxSW because of a song they wrote about Aaron Hicks.

Maybe you don't believe. I can understand the skeptics, frankly. Not a lot of news gets out here in Florida because there's always some Congressman who turns up dead in a swamp or something like that.

But you're gonna believe. You're gonna believe in Aaron Hicks.

There, that make you forget about the pitching staff yet?