A. J. Pierzynski Talks About His Favorite Things to Aggravate in Minnesota

Hey, douchers, it's A.J. Pierzynski. Miss me yet? That boy scout you got to replace me still hitting singles for $20 million a year? Then, yep, you miss me.

Anyway, Stu asked me if I'd write a little bit about the things I like to do on the unfortunate occasions when I have to come back to this arctic craphole. Effer said he wouldn't pay but also said I could write whatever the f--- I wanted, so I figured why not, ain't squat to do in this hotel but check my phone and watch Skinemax. So, yeah, here's what A.J. Pierzynski likes to do when he's in the Twin Shitties. Don't like the third person? Win a World Series ring and then you can talk to me about it. (I still won't listen, LOLOL.)

• Go to the Zoo. Como, Minnesota, don't matter. I just like to go see these majestic, captive beasts and taunt their balls off! King of the jungle? Looks like you ain't the king of jack shit, Simba! I'll give 'em the A.J. salute, which is two raised middle fingers, throw some rocks at 'em if the zoo cops aren't lookin', and just laugh and laugh. Best time you're gonna have around these parts, bar none.

• Trader Joe's parking lot on the weekend. You f---ers love your Trader Joe's, don't you? Hell yes you do, don't even lie. Here's what I do: show up nice and early, and just start double-parking the biggest thing I can rent from Enterprise all over the place. Then, I pretend like I'm gonna back out, wait for someone to line up to take my spot, and then BAM! I stop the car and STAY DOUBLE-PARKED! You just got Trader Joe's parking spot blue balls, son!

• A day trip to Lanesboro. I like Lanesboro. It's quaint. I can have layers, you dumb hicks.

• W Hotel. Yeah, I know, historic Foshay Tower blah blah blah. Pull my left one. What you do is, you take the elevator to the Prohibition bar on the 27rd floor, then hit every goddamn button before you get off, AND YOU JUST KEEP DOING THAT. You got all these hard guys in the lobby trying to impress some dumb gal from Eden Prairie, and they gotta wait and wait forever! Pop another Cialis, cheesedick! You've been A.J.'ed!

• Go to a mall and cropdust. Self-explanatory.

• Leave. Once the last game of the series is done, I am Audi 5000 on the next charter out of this backwater. You suckholes are stuck here. Have fun freezing to death, turds!