Twins Fans Completely Miserable Over Oswaldo Arcia's Success

Oswaldo Arcia, the sadly promising Twins rookie, is already driving some Twins fans to despair as they brace themselves for the inevitable bad news to come.

"We can't never have nothin' nice," said Jake Musel, 31, a Lonsdale resident and lifelong Minnesota sports fan. "He's gonna blow out his knee this weekend against Baltimore. Just you watch. This sucks."

Arcia had an unfortunately blistering road trip, batting .424 in those games, including a home run and triple in Thursday night's victory over the Red Sox. Many observers know that even if Arcia's future is bright, theirs isn't. Len Serbus, 53, has no illusions about what comes next.

"Sure, let's say he's the real deal and he stays healthy," moaned Serbus, an Andover pipe fitter. "He turned 22 yesterday, so when he's entering the prime of his career in five years? He'll be a New York Yankee. F---ing mark it down. Meanwhile, we'll probably still have f---ing Darin Macaroni (sic) out there rubbing two rocks together or some goddamn thing while some pitch-to-contact jagoff is throwing slop. Jesus Christ. So tired of this."

Other Twins fans were troubled by Arcia (.313/.353/.547) not being completely terrible in the outfield.

"He's kind of a stocky guy, and his range looks like it should really be limited," said Ashley Groehler, 26, a Minneapolis sales rep. "Instead, he seems to not be a total liability out there. And even if he misplays something or just can't get to a ball that (former Twins outfielder Ben) Revere would have, the son of a bitch picks up a bat and hits a 3-run home run. God, he's gonna get flattened by the light rail right in front of a bunch of orphans on a field trip. Brutal. Just brutal."

Adding to their concern is the promise being shown by minor leaguers like Miguel Sano, Byron Buxton and Alex Meyer.

"Oh, don't get me started on the other young guys," said Serbus, lighting another cigarette. "That hump (MLB Commissioner Bud) Selig will probably plant some of Braun's urine in their lockers. Refs screw the Vikings every other Sunday, why wouldn't a guy from the same goddamn state as the Packers screw the Twins? I still can't believe they let us win in '87 or '91. Somebody probably got fired for that."

It's not all doom and gloom, however, as Arcia's ominously hot bat has coincided with fellow rookie Aaron Hicks' heartening struggles.

"Yeah, Hicks scuffling like that has been a godsend," said Musel. "Hitting below .200, getting in Gardy's doghouse, especially after everyone was giving him Rookie of the Year on a platter in March? You can't beat that. If he starts figuring shit out, though? May as well just schedule the lingering post-concussion issues right f---ing now."