The Minnesota Twins Are Like Beer

Your Minnesota Twins are like beer. Specifically, these kinds:

• Glen Perkins is Spotted Cow (New Glarus Brewing Co.). Hard to beat, only available in certain situations (Perkins: 9th inning with a lead of 3-or-fewer runs; Spotted Cow: Wisconsin). Also, he has, like, four cases of it in his refrigerator at all times, which made this one easy.
• Jared Burton is Fat Squirrel (New Glarus Brewing Co.). Also hard to beat, and you wonder if it might be better than Spotted Cow but all your friends from Minnesota yell at you.
• Oswaldo Arcia is Delirium Tremens (Huyghe Brewery). Stronger than hell, may or may not be an adorable elephant.
• Joe Mauer is Clausthaler (Binding Brauerei). Non-alcoholic, automatically disappointing to some people, German, easily the best of its kind.
• Justin Morneau is Moosehead (Moosehead Brewery). Canadian, polite, used to be great when you were younger, still perfectly okay but you can't help but wonder if you can trade it for something a little better.
• Scott Diamond is St. Ambroise Oatmeal Stout (Brasserie Mcauslan ). Also Canadian and very good. May want to talk to you about the environment or books or some shit. I don't have a joke here.
• Kevin Correia is Miller High Life (Miller Brewing). Has a bad reputation, but it turns out you could do a lot worse on a hot summer's day. (Also: he looks like everyone you know who drinks Miller High Life. I'm not wrong.)
• Ryan Doumit is Surly Darkness (Surly Brewing). It's the eyes, mostly.
• Aaron Hicks is a Corona with lime (Cerveceria Mexico). Starts out terrible, but after awhile it starts improving but you don't know if that's just because it's actually good or if you're just super drunk.
• Josh Willingham is Long Hammer IPA (Red Hook Brewing). His nickname is Hammer. How much did you pay to read this? Then don't complain.
• Anthony Swarzak is Bigfoot Barleywine Style Ale (Sierra Nevada). Sasquatch connections obviously, but also a few too many of these (9.6 ABV) will almost certainly lead to horseplay.
• Josh Roenicke is that beer you find in the back of the fridge that may have been there for months. You had no idea you even had it. Not a clue. How's it going to be? No idea. You hope to be pleasantly surprised.
• Vance Worley is Yuengling Lager (Yuengling Brewing Co.). You got it from Pennsylvania. Some of your friends swear by it, but you're going to need to see a lot more to be sold on its merits.