clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Your Racially Insensitive Uncle Who Doesn't Know Any Better Really Likes the Looks of Clete Thomas

New, 18 comments

Uncle Randy has never lived outside of Lac Qui Parle County.

Clete can see right through you.
Clete can see right through you.
Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

Your Uncle Randy, a lifelong Twins fan and someone who is mortally terrified of the Minneapolis-St. Paul area, really likes how Clete Thomas has been playing since getting called up to the big leagues.

"Looks like he's really figuring some things out at the plate, and he sure can close on the ball out in center," said Randy. "Nothing crazy, just goes out there and takes care of his business."

Randy, 49 and never married, thinks Clete has a shot to stick even when Aaron Hicks gets healthy.

"I gotta tell you, Hicks hot dogs it a bit too much out there. I mean, I've heard him interviewed and he's really well spoken, but I don't care for that flashy BS. Guys like Bruno (Tom Brunansky), Randy Bush and Gene Larkin never showed anyone up, they just went out there and played the game the right way."

Randy, who still uses the phrase "ghetto blaster" in 2013 even though no one has one anymore or even knows what one is, also observed that, while he likes the potential of Oswaldo Arcia and Miguel Sano, he hopes that other players aren't lost in the wash.

"I tell you what, guys like Chris Parmelee and Brian Dozier, they still have a shot be something in the bigs. Kind of remind me of guys like Michael Cuddyer or Pat Meares, just good clubhouse guys who needed some time to get acclimated. With Arcia and guys like him, they have a lot of raw talent, but they get so emotional and hot-headed out there, you never know what's gonna happen."

Your Uncle, who has forwarded you multiple emails about "Barack HUSSEIN Obama"'s birth certificate, wants people to know that, while he likes Samuel Deduno's ability to strike batters out, he'd sure like to see someone like Cole De Vries get another look, too.

"I tell you, Sam can be fun to watch, but De Vries oughta get a shot. Sam gets a little wild, but Cole's one of us and has a real good head on his shoulders. Sam's probably a better pitcher, talent-wise, but Cole pitches smart. Can't have enough of those guys in the locker room."

Randy, who has never actually talked to an African-American in his entire life, is excited about Byron Buxton, though.

"Man, Buxton just sort of reminds me of Kirby (Puckett) and Torii (Hunter) out there in the outfield. He's fast like Torii and can hit like Puck. Don't know much about the kid, just hope he's got his head on straight, if you know what I mean." Randy then makes a hand gesture that he saw Tupac Shakur make on TV once, maybe the "California Love" video? You don't know if he knows what it means. You are not going to ask.