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Five guys the Twins will definitely not draft

We're trying to figure out who will fall to the Twins in the MLB Draft, but I think it's safe to eliminate these guys.

Melina Vastola-US PRESSWIRE

The MLB Draft (or, as the league insists on calling it, the "First-Year Player Draft"; way to really brand yourselves with something catchy, guys) kicks off on Thursday. The Twins have the fourth pick, and the number of possible selections with that pick probably number in the double digits.

Luckily, we here at Twinkie Town are here to help. We've leaned on our vast scouting network to come up with updated reports on five possible picks, and frankly, given the information we've unearthed, we'd recommend that the Twins not draft any of them.

Dale Earnhardt #3 Roll Tide Anderson, P, Goshamighty HS, AL
Original report
: Plus fastball, hitting 98 on one scout's gun. Nasty curve. Major league body. Projects as a mid-rotation starter.
Our report: Gun that was registering 98 was turned up so high that it clocked a peanut vendor at 74. Curve is nasty because two out of three times it hits the batter in the head. Major league body as long as you include Tyler Robertson.

Alistair MacFarlane, 2B, Windy Bog HS, NC
Original report
: Gamer. Gets after it. Heady player who always makes the right play. Son, grandson, nephew, and great-grandson of baseball coaches.
Our report: Has not hit the ball more than 100 feet from home plate in any direction this season. Could potentially sustain a nickname like "Scrap Iron," so recommend we keep an eye on in later rounds.

Bjorn Fjorndjornthjornsson, LF, Valhalla Junior College, NH
Original report
: Plus power from both the left and right side. MLB-ready at the plate. Glove needs work; potential DH candidate.
Our report: Strong enough to hit the baseball through a pile of dirt, but 47-inch biceps will prompt rumors of juicing. A worry off the field, given his tendency towards staying out all night and drinking mead from a glass the size of a standing flower vase. Fielding technique consists of shouting at the ball in some unintelligible language, or trying to crush the ball in his fist.

Rick Funto, 2B, North Los Angeles Country Day HS, CA
Original report
: Carries himself like a major-leaguer. Great defense but questionable at the plate. Genuine questions about his age, given that his birth certificate was written in purple crayon.
Our report: You're not fooling anybody, Nick.

Slovakian Delicacy, UT, Barnpasturestable Farms, KY
Original report
: Out-of-this-world speed. Big-league pedigree. Held his own against older competition.
Our report: Is a horse.

The MLB draft starts Thursday. Hopefully you have crossed these five off your boards.