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How the Twins can spend that $251,000

The Twins will save a little money because of Joe Mauer's family obligations. Here's a few ideas of how to use the cash.


As you probably know, Joe Mauer stayed in Minnesota for the weekend to be with his wife and new daughters. (A note: I talked to another father who had five-weeks-premature twins, and he said, "Forget two days, he should take two years off." I consider the matter closed.)

Mauer could only be on the paternity list for three days, meaning that he wasn't paid for the two extra days he missed - which, according to reports, saved the Twins $251,000. That's an unexpected windfall, really, so I'm here to help out the front office and get that money spent right. Here's a few ideas:

  1. Hire a team doctor and a team trainer that were educated at accredited institutions, not "Pete's Amalgamated Medical And Lawnmower Repair."
  2. Buy a one-way plane ticket to Japan for scout Howard Norsetter, where he can spend more time hanging out with Tsuyoshi Nishioka.
  3. Throw the extra in Kevin Correia's paycheck, because that makes as much sense as giving him a two-year contract did anyway, so heck, good money after bad.
  4. Buy out the witch that Drew Butera paid to put a hex on Ron Gardenhire and Terry Ryan..
  5. Put the money in an interest-bearing account that will grow over time and be used to help pay the manager-imposed fines that Oswaldo Arcia and Miguel Sano are apparently destined to rack up.
  6. Keep on paying Rich Harden. Or just put it on a table and light it on fire. Same difference.
  7. Hire a traveling hypnotist to sit on the bench during Scott Diamond's starts and make him think that it's always the second inning.
  8. Give bonuses to the farm teams, as a thank-you for keeping Twins fans interested this year.
  9. Pay off half of Casey Fien's Red Bull budget.
  10. Send to Glen Perkins as an advance apology, because apparently being both awesome and from here means that some fans will turn on you for no adequately explainable reason.

I'm here to help, Twins front office. Call anytime. (My consulting fees are $251,000 an hour.)