NEW YORK - Major League Baseball announced today that, thanks to one lawsuit and that weird clinic in Florida, all steroids and performance-enhancing drugs have been eradicated from the game of baseball.
"We have suspended all players involved for their use of these drugs, and we can now announce that the book has officially been closed on the so-called Steroid Era in baseball," said MLB commissioner Bud Selig. "Thanks to our tireless investigation of documents obtained from a disgruntled employee by a newspaper that nobody's ever heard of, we can finally end this terrible time for the game."
"It's morning in America," he added, visibly relieved.
14 players, including such superstars as Fautino de los Santos and Sergio Escalona, have been suspended by the league for their connection with the Biogenesis of America clinic in Florida, which according to baseball was the only place left to get steroids.
According to Selig, this served as a clear message to all of the other baseball players out there who were looking for an edge. "Let the message go forth, from here at this podium," he said. "If you use performance-enhancing drugs, we will find you, assuming that the place you got them from stops paying its employees and one of them gets all mad and blabs to the press. Then we will find you, and suspend you for some number of games that's not written down anywhere. Will it be 50? Will it be 950? Who knows?"
Players from around baseball reacted with relief at the news. "This is a great day for the players, as well," said one unnamed pitcher. "We want cheaters to be punished as much as the fans do, especially if this means that baseball will stop poking its nose into places that it doesn't belong."
"You say they're done looking? Boy, that's a relief," added the pitcher. "We hope that this serves as an example to everyone involved: as long as you don't work with the shadiest quote-unquote 'doctors' any of us have ever heard of, then you probably will be on the safe side. Oh, and cheating is bad and stuff too."
Said a career minor-leaguer, "Man, Jhonny Peralta was having a great year this year. Like a really great year. His bat speed was back to where it was in 2005. Do you know what he was taking? You know, so I can make sure not to take that stuff?"
"We are committed to working together with the players to reiterate that performance-enhancing drugs will not be tolerated in our game," added Selig. "Now, do you know where any of them are? The Miami New Times didn't have much for baseball articles this week."