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The Tampa Bay Rays are looking to assemble a starting lineup that a front office source says is "just rat bastards, the lot of them." This philosophical shift was further in evidence on Thursday, when they signed former Ray/accused anti-Semite Delmon Young to a free agent deal.
"Delmon got his start here, so we like to think of this as a potential career bookend for him," said the source, who asked to remain anonymous. "Plus, getting loaded and spouting Jewish slurs? In New York City? Welcome home, DY!"
Tampa has quietly accumulated players who are either alleged or confirmed total fucking creeps. In addition to Young, the Rays now have:
- Luke Scott, birther who threw plantain chips at Felix Pie
- Josh Lueke, accused rapist who pleaded to a lesser charge
- Yunel Escobar, homophobe who wrote a gay slur on his eyeblack
- Josh Sale, someone who pelts strippers with quarters and insults
Those looking for a reason for this embrace of lowlifes and cretins can find it in the oft-empty stands at Tropicana Field. "Listen, we're busting our ass to compete with the Yankees and Red Sox, we're getting into the playoffs, and there's nobody here," said the source. "We're like, what in the hell do you people want? Eff it, how about this: we'll get Pine Tar Ted Nugent from Baltimore (Scott) and see how much you care. You ungrateful slobs won't even notice.
"And they didn't. That's when we decided to go all-in on shitheads."
Despite there being no shortage of reprobates for the team to go out and get, the Rays don't expect to be able to field their ideal "rat bastard starting nine" (or RBS9 in organizational parlance) for another season or two. Tampa remains committed to the so-called "moneyball" tenets of advanced statistical analysis and adherence to a small-market budget.
"A-Rod may be a goofy SOB, but there's no way they're taking that contract," said a source familiar with the team's thinking. "That's not how they're going to get RBS9 off the ground. They're going to look for someone who gets on base and is super delinquent on his child support payments, or who can miss bats and maybe denies that the Holocaust happened. And with Matt Bush in jail until 2016, they really need to replenish the asshole pond.
"Let's put it this way," continued the source, "if you draw a lot of walks, are plus-plus in the field and are a vampire, you are on the radar of the Tampa Bay Rays."