Twins to Honor Christian Ponder and Jim Souhan for Taking the Heat Off Them

As the end of a third consecutive wretched season nears, the Minnesota Twins wanted to be sure that they recognized those who've kept it from being an all-out debacle. That's why the team will be honoring Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder and Star Tribune sports columnist Jim Souhan during Minnesota's final homestand of 2013.

"These past few weeks, I tell you, things could have gotten pretty bad for us in the public eye," said Twins GM Terry Ryan. "We're not playing very well, our best player is nowhere near the ballpark right now, and we have some tough decisions to make regarding our entire organization. What with Ponder's mediocrity and Souhan writing that story, hardly anyone is paying attention, thank heavens."

Ryan is referring to Ponder's early-season struggles as the Minnesota Vikings' quarterback, and Souhan's column about Minnesota Gophers head coach Jerry Kill, in which he appeared to suggest that the latter should be fired for having epilepsy. Discussions about both men have dominated the local airwaves, newspapers and social media.

"You can't pay money for that kind of lack of publicity," said a source close to the front office. "Seriously, we're trotting something called ‘Shairon Martis' out there. I don't even know what position he plays. Shit, he might just be a concessions worker we put a uniform on. The public should be losing their mind about the product we're putting out there right now, but they're barely even broadcasting our final scores anymore. It's fantastic!

"Seriously, though: what the fuck is a Shairon Martis? Is he a shortstop? I honestly don't know."

The team said "Ponder Souhan" Night will be held at next Friday's Minnesota/Cleveland game. The first 10,000 customers will receive a commemorative print of Ponder staring down a double-covered receiver and an 800-word column written by Souhan about the ensuing interception that is larded with hot sports takes.