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- Batter's eye magically starts to look like pine trees, but only when we're hitting
- TC Bear smells like vomit and children's cough syrup, it's distracting
- Wife and kids keep on trying to talk to me and stuff
- Uber-negative local media reports a story like every time we lose
- Fans near dugouts don't sandwich two compliments around every opportunity for improvement
- Pregame buffet is always Tinucci's, and sorry but Randy Moss was right about that place
- Too much of a hockey town for non-Canadians to thrive
- Christian Ponder, am I right?
- Major League Baseball makes us play an unbalanced schedule consisting entirely of other major league teams
- Too many famous people show up and make us nervous, like Craig Finn, and the drummer from The Replacements
- Kent Hrbek won't stop cleaning fish in the clubhouse
- Request to move fences in to 250 feet keeps getting denied
- Ghost of Carl Pohlad hangs around and steals wallets
- Evil wizard stole team, replaced it with a Triple-A team
- So many craft beers, so little time
- Coffee budget cruelly slashed by Tom "Greenies are good for you" Brunansky
- Local video store closed, can't rent "Little Big League" for inspiration
- Spending too much time worrying about whether Joe Mauer is going to be okay
- State Fair was going on, couldn't pass up the deep-fried candy bars
- Up late catching up on Breaking Bad
- Local housing market's so hot, I've been touring listings instead of doing pregame prep
- Are you sure this is home? This kind of looks like Texas or something, I don't think this is where we play
- On the road, you never have to take that *$&!% car in for the third time this month, that guy said it was the transmission but he charged me like four grand and it still shifts like a *$#@!&(% dump truck
- I just get lost in all the bike trails around here, it's like two-wheeled therapy, man
- Justin Morneau left empty Molson bottles like, everywhere