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TC Bear Mauls 8 at Marshall Pizza Ranch

"We said 'Never again' after the Great Fergus Falls Massacre of '09. We were wrong."

eyes black as murder
eyes black as murder
Hannah Foslien

The Twins Winter Caravan was rocked by tragedy on Thursday as a feral TC Bear mauled eight customers at a Marshall, Minnesota Pizza Ranch.

The beloved team mascot allegedly went into a murderous frenzy while standing in the buffet line at the popular Midwest pizza restaurant, attacking everyone in the vicinity before being sedated by Lyon County Mascot Response Team officers.

"There was blood, pizza and fake fur everywhere," said Jolene Otto, a Pizza Ranch employee who barricaded herself in the kitchen as the pretend bear rampaged from the salad bar to the pizza line to the soda station. "Have you ever seen a mascot eat a whole pitcher? I have now."

Otto was referring to Twins reliever Brian Duensing, who was swallowed whole in the melee. It is not known who will replace Duensing on the 40-man roster at this time.

Longtime Twins announcer Dick Bremer was also injured in the attack, but said he didn't fault TC Bear for his bloody rampage.

"When you see the kind of example an Alex Rodriguez sets with his thoughtless, selfish actions, this is the end result," said Bremer. "It's just disappointing that A-Rod can mar a great event like the Winter Caravan here in Twins Territory." Bremer went on to blame the PED-tainted Yankees slugger for the Target credit card hack, Tom Hanks' Oscar snub and a series of garage break-ins in his neighborhood.

A police spokesperson said they cannot comment on a motive, but a source close to the department said that rumors of a "lack of chicken fingers and adequate dipping options, particularly honey mustard" as the trigger event were being investigated closely.

"You don't come to Pizza Ranch for pizza, you come for the boundless options," said the source. "And if there's no breaded, mechanically-separated chicken-esque product that you can drown in sauces like some filthy animal, well, you're going to act on that instinct in other ways. It wouldn't surprise me if that's what happened here."

This isn't the first time that the Twins Winter Caravan has seen horrifying violence. The so-called Great Fergus Falls Massacre of 2009 resulted in 23 deaths and over 100 injuries, when former Twins GM Bill Smith's idea of replacing TC Bear with an actual bear on the team's visit to the Ponderosa Steakhouse caused remarkable bloodshed before a shirtless, manic Kent Hrbek subdued the fearsome creature.