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Minnesota Twins Reveal Their 2014 New Years Resolutions

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Don't ask us how we attained this information.

Hannah Foslien

At Twinkie Town, we don't claim to be your first and only news source for certain breaking items. But we are. This is just one more example of our commitment to excellence, for you, our loyal readers. Here are some New Year's Resolutions for a few Minnesota Twins.

Brian Dozier - Adhere to a strict schedule for hair conditioning.

Aaron Hicks - Keep eyes open while swinging bat.

Glen Perkins - Barbecue more exotic meats. Continue streak of not burning self.

Josh Willingham - Replace shark eyes with eyes of a less threatening and more docile creature to avoid scaring children. Maybe the eyes of a deer, because that would be less creepy.

Vance Worley - Stop wearing those drunk vision goggles while pitching.

Trevor May - Get to the bottom of this rumor that hero Wild Thing is a fictional character.

Chris Colabello - Convince Chris Parmelee that "gene splicing to combine our powers and make one real major leaguer" can't be a thing.

Eric Fryer - Really earn that 40-man roster spot. Maybe take a screenshot of it every day for scrapbook as evidence for future grandchildren.

Kurt Suzuki - Actually throw to a base when runners try to steal.

Samuel Deduno - Aim sometimes.

Joe Mauer - Really just slow down the at-bat, stay back on the breaking ball. Keep working on fast hands through the zone. Dedicate time to fielding drills at first. More gift baskets for mom. Maybe add some flair to that smoothing-the-dirt-in-the-batter's-box thing. See what all the hype over chocolate milk is about. Make everyone happy everywhere in the world, because gosh, that would be nice.

Anthony Swarzak - Get a picture of a Sasquatch.

Rick Anderson - No drinking before the fourth inning, no matter how bad it gets out there.

Tom Brunansky - See how many times I can tell Mauer the same story about the '85 Home Run Derby before he stops being polite and tells me I've told him that story before.

Ron Gardenhire - Get Swarzy to knock that [redacted] off about Sasquatches.