Metrodome Lashes Out at Twins in Final Interview

RANDBALL'S STU: Thanks again for agreeing to do this interview.

METRODOME: My pleasure. Figured I didn't have much time left, wanted to get this all down on paper, so to speak.

RS: Kind of an exit interview?

METRODOME: Yeah. Mind if I smoke?

RS: You...smoke?

METRODOME: Shit yeah! What have I got to lose? They already tore the fuckin' roof off me, son! I'm nothing but concrete and rebar now. (The multi-purpose stadium pauses to light a Parliament) No smoking in the Metrodome my billowy white ass, Bob Casey.

RS: I see. You said you had a special message for the Minnesota Twins.

METRODOME: You're goddamn right I do. That message is: step outside. Brutal, isn't it? Colder than hell, foot of snow on the ground, wind blasting you right in the face. Enjoy your outdoor home opener, assholes.

RS: To be fair, that's not until April.

METRODOME: Ha! Good one, Dave St. Peter. Remember when we had three blizzards in fuckin' May last year? You really think we aren't getting the same goddamn thing this year? You're killing me here. No pun intended. (The home of the 1987 and 1991 World Series Champion Minnesota Twins stubs out the cigarette, then pulls some blue-colored pills from an old malt cup and dry swallows them)

RS: What are those things?

METRODOME: These little guys? Heh, remember when the Monsters of Rock show was here in the '80s? Metallica, Scorps (sic), rockin' with Dokken? Man, all those dumb kids from Blaine must have left thousands of these little beauties laying around after they blacked out from all the lime vodka they smuggled in. I'll be honest: I don't even know what they are, but I get fuckin' sideways on 'em, I'll tell you what. Got me through the Timberwolves playing here with all that dribbling and sneaker noise.

RS: OK, well, I assume you have some positive memories of the Twins as well?

METRODOME: Dude, they dumped me for somebody else! After all I did for them! How do you think that makes me feel? They didn't even leave town, they just moved up the street!! 81 days a fuckin' year, I gotta watch all the traffic blow right past me and head north, just picking at the scab all over again. Yeah, my memories are real positive, chief. Shit.

RS: I understand. I suppose your thoughts on the Gophers or Vikings are similar?

METRODOME: Well, it's the same but it's not the same, you know? The Gophers, hell, I didn't even know they were here half the time. When they left, I was like, oooooh, yeah, sure gonna miss 15,000 maroon-and-gold nitwits sitting on their hands while their team gets drilled 42-3 every Saturday. Only thing I ever got out of those games was when the Badgers or Hawkeyes fans would come in droves and get tuned up. I have seen some shit, brother. Caligula with snowmobile suits.

RS: What about the Vikings? After all, they're the reason you're being dismantled.

METRODOME: Dismantled? Come on, man. You make it sound so clinical. How about dismembered, or getting flat murdered?

RS: I apologize.

METRODOME: Ah, it's okay. How would you know? I'm just a building, quote unquote. But yeah, the Vikings, let's just say I'll get the last laugh.

RS: Meaning?

METRODOME: You don't see where this concussion lawsuit stuff is heading? Jesus Christ, there won't even be an NFL in 20 or 30 years. You're going to have this glass spaceship with a bunch of kids' soccer tournaments going on. Coulda just slapped some paint on me and kept me around for that bullshit. Pennies on the dollar! But no, give that crooked motherfucker a billion damn dollars to build something that looks like a Wisconsin Dells waterpark without any cool-ass slides. Makes perfect sense.

RS: Well, speaking of soccer, there are rumors that Minnesota will be getting a professional team to play in the new venue.

METRODOME: (makes hand motion commonly associated with male masturbation) Terrific! I'm just glad I'll be tilled under so I can't hear all those assholes in scarves chanting "Seven Nation Army." I'm gonna have another cig, alright?