As a life-long Twins fan, and Kirby Puckett fan, I had to see what this new Disney Channel show, "Kirby Buckets" (not to be confused with Curby Bucket), was all about. I watched an episode and recorded my thoughts accordingly.
Excluding all commercials, this episode was 23:11 minutes long. Here are my play-by-play thoughts:
0:00: [presses play]
0:07: This kid has nostrils like Chad Allen.
0:30: They are in art class, apparently.
0:47: Yes, there IS an art to choosing friends who have your back, young Kirby. Also, the friend who just helped you out looks a lot more like Kirby Puckett than you, Kirby Buckets. But I guess that's ok? I'm not understanding this show.
0:55: If y'all are awesome at art, why are you commending your more Kirby Puckett-y-er friend for throwing the art on the floor? Why are you throwing art on the floor? The teacher is just going to pick it back up. What is this supposed to accomplish? I'm confused.
1:29: Cartoon dinosaurs with big butts are chasing around the three kids from the last scene now.
2:00: Ok, I think "Kirby Buckets" is actually the whitest and slimmest one in the bunch and I'm getting annoyed.
2:05: Kirby's friend just told him his art sucks. SICK BURN.
3:10: Buckets's friend lecturing on how being a model actually sucks. Hmmm...
4:31: Kirby has apparently just met an older guy in a cafe who is going to be his mentor. The guy had the same art teacher and she thought both of their art was crap. They are bonding.
5:03: This Kirby Buckets kid looks like Terry Tiffee.
5:40: Where did that dirty, stuffed-animal frog at the bus stop come from? Why would you touch it? This is so gross.
6:13: Kirby is going up into a strange building, alone, with his strangely new committed, older mentor-friend. Um...
6:23: There's a bunch of people with poi and huge sledgehammers in the strange building and I cannot stop laughing.
7:39: Apparently they just all do crazy art? Everyone loves the picture Kirby drew and his teacher hated.
8:08: Kirby paints a thick, black line across the wall and everyone is impressed. Way to go, Kirby.
8:42: Kirby totally blows off his cooler, more age-appropriate friend. Hoping this comes back to bite Kirby in the ass.
9:29: Strange interlude at a modeling agency with some side characters?
10:31: Kirby just painted a "6" on the canvas; turned it upside down to make it a "9". Nice.
10:44: Girls are flirting with Kirby's friend who is with the dirty stuffed-animal frog at the bus stop?
11:10: Kirby takes a picture with his phone of a plastic bag flying around and everyone freaks out. This is the most realistic part of the show.
11:35: Kirby's friend is still carrying around the dirty stuffed frog from the bus stop?
12:50: Kirby just realized the older people he met are complete assholes. I'm betting he wishes he was with his aforementioned more age-appropriate friend.
13:03: A science fair? They should have had a Craig Breslow cameo.
13:22: I guess it's an art show.
14:05: Kirby's trying to decide whether he should destroy everyone else's art at the art show he was deemed not good enough to be in because his mentor is telling him to do it. I'm pausing to get another rally beer.
14:10: Back on.
14:32: Kirby said he wouldn't do it so they put him in a closet.
14:50: Kirby is banging on the closet door and some cartoon character comes out of nowhere to confront him? WHAT IN THE F
15:56: The two supporting male castmates meet up and apparently the dirty, smelly, old frog stuffed-animal also sings! I am literally not on any drugs.
15:59: The two supporting male castmates open the closet door and Kirby falls out.
16:14: Kirby's friend is way cooler and smarter than he is.
17:21: The disgusting, dirty frog's batteries are dying and they are all getting emotional.
17:40: THEY RIPPED THE DIRTY FROG APART AND TURNED IT INTO A HAT.
17:46: THEY'RE ENTERING THE ART SHOW WEARING THE FROG HAT AND EVERYONE AND KIRBY'S OLD FRIENDS ARE FREAKING OUT.
18:04: Everyone is freaking out.
18:09: Kirby Buckets's older mentor-friend looks mad and dumbfounded.
18:32: Kirby is apparently a hero and runs over to disable all his older friend's art-show-ruining-crap while everyone is focused on the frog hat? This would never happen in real life.
18:43: The stuffed-animal frog starts to talk even though they ripped it apart and turned it into a hat. Everyone in the room is shocked!
18:50: A woman says, "This is awful!" and a man explicitly accuses the child of murder.
19:03: Now we are back at the supermodel shoot at the modeling agency, but they don't know who the model is? She's wearing big blue robe with a hood over her face and no one can see who she is.
19:37: Older mentor dude lays it out for the SHEEPLE at the art event. Still have no idea why he's still so pissed about this.
19:45: Mentor dude's paint sprays all over him and not the other kids' art because Kirby spent the time to mess it up earlier. Ha!
19:55: Kirby Buckets freaking out.
20:09: The art teacher confronts the creepy old dude, pinches his ear, and takes him away.
20:51: Montage of Kirby Buckets drawing crappy pictures.
21:03: A bunch of cartoon characters are now with Kirby to introduce his latest character which is... wait for it... a frog.
21:09: All the other cartoon characters think the frog is stupid. I don't know where these characters came/come from but I like them.
21:38: I think the frog ate one of the other cartoon characters and now he's spinning in circles on the floor like this. At least one of the other cartoons declares him "charming".
21:40: Our young hero, Kirby, smiles and the screen fades to black.
21:43: [Credits roll.]
We all know Kirby said we could hop on his back, but this is taking it a little too far.