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Twins Officials, Players: Why Isn't More Bad Stuff Happening To Us?

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Team sources admit they're surprised that the season hasn't gone off the goddamn rails already.

Relatively minor surgery?  We GOT this.
Relatively minor surgery? We GOT this.
Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports

Minnesota Twins officials expressed both surprise and relief on Thursday, as nearly a full week of spring training activities has taken place without some Old Testament shit happening.

"Given the last three years, we just kinda figured something truly fucking terrible would've happened by now," said a source close to the front office.  "Pedro Florimon getting his appendix out?  That's a walk in the goddamn park for this team.  Pedro Florimon getting carried away by a pack of wolverines, never to be seen again?  That's what you expect around here."

Twins manager Ron Gardenhire agreed with this assessment.

"Let's see, I've had two MVPs get their bell rung so hard that their careers were permanently changed.  Every starting pitcher we draft gets signed and then has Tommy John.  Swarzy (Anthony Swarzak) hurt himself at TwinsFest doing god knows what.  Stairs are more dangerous to Perk (Glen Perkins) than Albert Pujols.  My boss (GM Terry Ryan) just had a tumor removed.  I've got a stud infield prospect (Eddie Rosario) doing a 50-game suspension for failing another drug test.  Chrysler.

"Petey (Pedro)'s only out for two weeks?  Come on.  I'm just waiting for the doctors to come back and tell me they left a scalpel and some batteries inside him."

When the team found out that hard-throwing prospect Zack Jones would miss the start of the season because of a shoulder aneurysm, the consensus was...relief?

"Fuck yes," said the front office source.  "No offense to Zack, who we wish the best, but we just kinda figure if we get a call about a pitching prospect having an aneurysm, it's gonna be Alex Meyer or Kohl Stewart.  And replace 'aneurysm' with 'industrial accident where he's somehow fed into a band saw.'  This is Christmas Day, frankly."

As the rest of the team steadily joins the pitchers and catchers in Fort Myers, no one is counting on their relative good fortune to hold out.

"Just saw that Baseball America put (Byron) Buxton and (Miguel) Sano and #1 and #6 in their Top Prospects list," said a member of the coaching staff who asked to remain anonymous.  "Shit. Great. We're in Florida. People here are armed to the teeth and out of their mind on bath salts. And that's just the cops."

A veteran player who also asked not to be named agreed. "We finally spent some money on starting pitching, which I'm thrilled about, but have you ever looked up how often alligators eat people, especially when they're forced from their natural habitat by over-development?  We may as well just have 'LIVE BAIT' signs on (Ricky) Nolasco and Phil Hughes.  If just one of those guys gets devoured, I'm gonna call it the best spring training in five years."