Carl Pavano's mustache, a beloved Minnesota sports meme in 2010 and 2011, announced its retirement in a conference call with area newspapers on Thursday.
"I've had a helluva run, hell, maybe a better run than Carl himself, that poor, spleenless bastard," said the mustache, colloquially known as "Pavstache" to some. "All I know is I'm still here, and that Gangnam Style dickslap is who knows where. But it's time. It's time."
The mustache became a cult hero in the summer of 2010, when Carl Pavano ditched the goatee while resurrecting his career during the Twins' AL Central title run.
"I can't take any of the credit for Carl's success up here. If you're going to credit me with that, you gotta blame me for him getting dinged up afterwards. Luck of the draw, is all. He coulda gone with a full beard and I think he woulda still been a workhorse for that team."
Pavano's facial hair became all the rage during Target Field's inaugural season, spawning everything from fake social media accounts to T-shirts to amateurish internet satire. And while it claims it hasn't seen any money from these enterprises, it says it's not bitter.
"You can't put a price on the stories I can tell," said Pavstache. "The late nights, the ladies, the cigarettes...man, it's everything an inanimate object could ask for if given the power to communicate, y'know? You wanna talk about a wild ride? This mustache's ride has been just that."
When asked if its announcement was connected to Pavano's own retirement from baseball, the mustache denied that one had anything to do with the other. "He's his own man, I'm my own thing. It's just a coincidence."
"Starting pitchers and memes don't endure like they used to," continued the mustache. "Instead of Jamie Moyer and Spuds McKenzie, you get us. The fact that we're still referenced at all is pretty crazy."
"Also, Carl shaved. I don't exist anymore."