The Minnesota Twins, after 3 90-loss seasons, need many things: improved starting pitching, offensive consistency, and a return to their much-heralded fundamental standards of yesteryear. And while the team has spent millions in free agency, international scouting and the draft to rebuild, one area man thinks they can get on the right track for the cost of 25 gym memberships.
"Bro, we gotta get the Twins into Crossfit," said Craig Vescio, 29, of Minnetonka. "It'll change the whole culture over there."
Vescio, a sales associate at CB Richard Ellis, said this unprompted to a group of co-workers in their break area on Thursday.
"No way they would've been this bad the last three years if they were in the gym, doing the work together, and maximizing their performance. I'm in the best shape of my life, bro, and I am dominating," said Vescio, as his co-workers nodded and stirred their coffee.
"Craig has been doing Crossfit for six months," said co-worker Ashley Anderson. "And he won't shut up about it. My fiancé and I just ended our engagement, and Craig said that Crossfit would've probably helped us work through it. Then he asked me out. He's the worst."
"I've seen a couple of Vikings at my gym, so I know they're serious about improving, dude," claimed Vescio to no one in particular, as the break room began clearing out. "Matter of fact, I'll probably see one of 'em when I go there over lunch to get my burn on. It's so intense."
"Before Crossfit, it was P90X, and before that, it was Krav Maga," said Jason Kuechle, another co-worker. "Craig was evangelizing for them and now it's Crossfit. He's really taken it to another level, though. He asked me if I wanted to do some straps and some burpees before work and then crush some raw almonds. When I said no, he shook his head and said, 'You know, they say everything you want is on the other side of fear, bro.' Who talks like that? Who's 'they'?"
"A week after I turned him down, he asked me if I wanted to go to the Crossfit Games," said Anderson. "When I said no to that, he said, 'Whatevs' and did, like, a little bicep flex. I thought it was bad when he was really into yoga and saying 'Namaste' to everyone. This is worse."
Vescio continued talking about the potential benefits of Crossfit to the Twins as the number of people in the area continued to dwindle.
"If (the Twins) would just educate themselves on what it takes to achieve real fitness, like we do at my gym, they'd get that sucker turned around in a heartbeat. Think my buddy Rager lives by Trevor Plouffe's condo, may have him give Plouffe my card next time he sees him, see if I can help 'em out any. Least I can do." Before Vescio finished that sentence, the entire room had emptied. He checked his phone, cracked his neck and and went back to his desk.